You goose step?

Ah, today. What did I do? Nothing really. I woke up at Ives' house and we walked Lunch (her dog) and had cheesy bread, then I went home, took a shower, and I went to the library, got some books, and then I just drove aimlessly for about an hour and didn't really think and now I'm home and I'm going to study and do lists. Also, clean my room thoroughly. (That word is so weird to spell.)

I hate when people say that doubt means it's not what you think it is. Really, I'm always going to doubt everything. I've never had one hundred percent faith in anything, because that's just me, that's my confidence. I don't think I ever will have that kind of faith just because I tend to overthink everything. I don't know if I can change that.

I don't think you have to be good at your passion. You just have to love it. That in itself is as powerful as it gets. Really, that should be the rule for everything.

I hate opening myself up for dissappointment. What is it that makes everything so personal? Am I selfish because of that? It's like no matter what I can't just keep it to me, I can't just get over it. Instead, I lose sleep and go crazy. Over things that don't even include me! I don't understand why I feel everything, I just don't get it. I try not too. It's so much easier to detach yourself, why would I want the other way around but then that just makes me feel worse. Oh, life.

I'm not having a breakdown, Auds. No worries. I meant crashing just like, I don't know. That's exactly it. Crashing in the sense that I'm not sure about anything really anymore so I've felt very, well, just weird. The way I would feel during a crash. I wouldn't know what to do. Besides brake and turn right, but how to put that in actual life terms? You can't. So difficult. I do love it though.

"Make sure there is none of the former and lots of the other." Aha, Auds! I found a blog about lists! http://www.todolistblog.blogspot.com/

I am horrible at sleeping. I think I have a disorder where my brain doesn't turn off like it's suppost to. My brain just kind of shows slides and has pop ups, things I can usually block during the day. Damn sleep! Who really needs it? Actually, it is pretty nice when you sleep well. I do sometimes. It's like a 50/50 thing. The human brain is such a crazy thing. Really, any brain, actually.

Ahah, I am not covered in snot and paint anymore. I'm actually pretty clean, but I do have paint on my paints. I am going to find one item of clothing that does not have paint on it.

"I feel inexpierienced." Ahahaha, that still makes me laugh. I got a book about the IC deal. Well, it's not about IC but refugee children everywhere. It's One Day The Soldiers Came.

Awe, no more non-loving Christmas decorations. When I was driving I did a lot of Christmas light watching. It's so nice. I love Christmas lights.

It's not that I'm forgiving, or anything. I just, well, what's it called when you just want to understand? That's how I feel about people. I just want to understand, and I happen to be fascinated and involved and trying to make a change all at the same time. I think people are my passion.

But you see, I am lazy. I'm never doing as much as I can, and I complain when I'm cold or hungry. I'm ridiculous in so many ways. Atleast I recognize it, I suppose. I just feel like a little kid sometimes. Like I know I ask too many questions and I don't know my boundaries and I feel like, well, I just don't know how to grow up or change myself, or even if I want to. Have you ever felt like you just should? That's how it is.

Ahahahaa! Auds, why do you make me laugh so hard when you are about one hundred or so miles away. Your poor grandmother. I'm definitley lucky in that I get my sarcasm from my grandma and mom, so they've never really expected otherwise. I'm going to have to ask you to tell me this story in person just so you can imitate your grandma's facial expression for me. I love how your mom just was like "Are you going home with us, Abby?" Aaha, it made me feel loved.

I don't really know if you are suppost to end a sentence with an adverb or not, really. I was asking. I didn't mean to sound so insane about it.

The wedding was in a month. It could be canceled... Garfunkle would be heartbroken. Garfunkle could find someone else... The Ragpicker could easily just up and leave one morning, just like she did last time. The Ragpicker could maybe easily stay this time, too. How her hands could bring so many thoughts and contradictions. The Ticketmaster tried to look at the Ragpicker, but her eyes were downcast and was obviously thinking too. The Ticketmaster was curious, she needed to know, but she was never good at reading people, let alone confronting them. What was the Ragpicker thinking? How can everything come back after so long?

I hope our generation gets it, that we need to make changes, and big ones. It's almost like our generation has a huge gap, that we are either one extreme or the other. Either you don't care, or you care too much. Supposedly it's healthy to find a balance, but what do balances do? You don't feel anything with balance. I'd rather feel crushed or absolutely weightless than the same. I mean, it'd be a nice break sometimes, but it's life. Life doesn't give breaks. But I kind of like that about it, as much as I hate it sometimes.

Isn't it so weird that we always think we are worse than the person next to us? Is that selfish? But you put people above yourself... I don't know. At the most, I'd put everyone at equal, but never anyone above. Maybe that's why I am so weird and indecisive about Jesus, or idolization of anyone (considered God-like or not) at all.

IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! I am kind of ready for it to be over, though, as excited as I am about it. It's been very stressful. It's nice though. I'm excited to get presents and be able to afford things for a little bit, aha. I'm sorry your holiday will be awkward, Auds. You should just open your presents and jump outside (I'll be waiting) and then we will go to my house and I'll share my grandma, aha. I really do love life, as depressing as I sound sometimes. I think I'm going to go drive around and take pictures for a little bit before I get down to buisness.

We still have to make a fort and I still have to make you soup! I was thinking about making a fort for myself tonight but then I thought of this so I will refrain and wait for you.

I feel like I will productive in a very minimalist way tonight, and for right now I'm okay with that.

I also got this book at the library called Suggestion Box where these two guys went around and had people write down suggestions regarding anything. I loved it.