"She says I'm boring her camera,

it takes more to delight the cadaver." I love this song, "We Were Born The Mutants Again With Leafling" by Of Montreal. I know exactly how that is, where no song really fits. This song fits though. I was clicking random songs to play last night on my iTunes and this one played and I am in love. It's very, I don't know. Mood-fitting. I hate getting frustrated with music. Or wishing it was a little softer. I'm always a fan of acoustic versions of songs. That usually is what makes me like the song, really. Oh, man, I could never be as hardcore as some kids are, aha. "Broadway's Greatest Love Songs"? Oh, you and your showtunes, Auds. Something I could quite possibly never understand.

Today I woke up to my mom and sister in my room asking if I wanted to go shopping, and so I got up and dressed and we went and picked up my Memaw, and we all went to Pizza Hut and there was a lot of family drama within that ten minute drive and to put it simply my mom, step-dad, and sister are angry with me. Well, frustrated, I guess. Too much to handle. We walked around the mall but no one was talking and it was really awkward so we went home, then I took the car to go get some paint and a blank canvas and I've got an idea for a painting I'm going to start tonight. I'm in a really weird mood, so sorry if it affects the blog entry.

Last night I didn't get to clean or anything. Right when I got off the computer, John called, so he, Gude, and I all went out and they brought their skateboards and I took pictures and then we went to Paradise Bakery around 11 and got a lot of free cookies (they throw them out at the end of the day, AKA we scored.) Then we went to Gude's house but I just wanted to go to bed so I went home and I went to sleep, except I woke up so tired, it didn't really feel like sleep. Does that happen to you?

Shopping adventure that doesn't include much shopping? Aha, sounds nice. I have been buying presents every day this week, I would say. Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my grandma, and then the day after Christmas I am supposed to be going shopping too. Too much to handle. I've had money, so that's a nice change. I don't save at all, though, so I guess that kind of ruins it. Oh, well.

I wish I knew the truth, really. My own mind leads me on, it's so frustrating. Everytime someone argues with me I can always see how they can be right. I think that's why I am so lost about everything. I hate arguing, and I don't. That's part of the reason my mom is frustrated with me, really. I don't think I've ever stood up for myself, but like, I don't get why I would. If they think something about me, or they do something against me, something in them told them or let them do that. Why would I say it's wrong? Sure, if someone gets hurt, it shouldn't be right, but it's just, I don't know, I can understand something either way, I guess. Like, I don't agree with people getting hurt, but I think people have to, too. I hate contradicting myself so much, but I can't be either way. So I suppose I don't really mind the contradictions, I mind not being able to help it.

I hate loving something because when you love somehting you start to get attached, and I tend to get attached to everything. I have one conversation with someone and I'll never forget them, and all these someone's are so indecisive, always so in and out, and it really puts a toll on you. They leave, they come back, they mess up, apologize, and do it again, and no, I'm not saying it's wrong, I know, it's life, I'd just like to meet someone that will stay, just for a little longer than everyone else has. You've said so yourself, you've had the same friends for how long? You know what? Maybe it's me, I'm too reclusive, I'm the drifter. But then again, I've been told so often how hard I try for people, because I never want them to go. Anyways, this is why I hate love, because you can't help it, and it hurts, a whole lot.

I believe those girlfriends did love their boyfriends, loved them very much, in fact. Because those boyfriends, they knew exactly when to let their good show, and you have to feel a little sorry for them, because that's when you are really sick, when you gain control over those types of things, I think. And they always apologize, and I know how hard it is to reject an apology or say no, especially when you love whoever is saying it, and when people promise to be better, well, I always believe them, and I know I'm not the only believer out there. And sometimes, they do get better. And sometimes, they don't. And that's just sad, and I hope they get away from that kind of cycle, because to me, that seems worse then any kick or slap or what may have you. You can't tell love to stop. I don't understand why people like love at all, really. Sure, it can be a happy thing, but it just brings so much with it.

Sleep stresses me out. This is what happens. I'll be so very tired and I will lay in bed and try to get warm but something about the thought of sleep makes my body get so cold, and I start shivering, and so I stay in and out of a really light sleep that isn't really anything, and this whole time, I'm just thinking about everything, and I mean everything everything, and I can't stop it. My mind tends to go a lot faster, but I can understand it, and that kind of makes it all the worse. Sometimes, if I am sleeping with someone, I just cuddle up to them and usually it calms me down and I can fall asleep, but if I'm alone, I can usually forget about sleep and I just lay there and think. Sometimes I try to write in bed but that usually makes me more stressed out, though sometimes it does help. There's something about people that calm me down and work me all up at the same time, and it's so weird.

I only get tired driving when it's in the afternoon. If it's pitch black or morning, I'm just fine. I guess afternoons are just like the balance of the day, since they are the middle and all, and something about that makes me yawn.

Ahaha, your dad shouting "CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!" You have to appreciate the enthusiasm, although that would probably kill me.

Not that acceptance is the worst thing in every situation, but just the getting used to it. "You should never say; What do we do, that is the other guy." (Possibly one of my favorite quotes from the IC movies. Maybe being so childish is a good thing, but I've realized sometimes I feel really, really old. What do you do though, Auds, when someone tells you to be something that you can't, but you really wish you could, could figure it out and be better for them, but other people say it's okay, and you just wish it was okay to stay how you were, but you aren't really that sure that it is, because suggestions and criticism tend to go hand-in-hand and they are both so bothersome and confusing. You know? I always feel like people get annoyed with me because I'm so, I don't know. Needy? And I realize it, but I can never keep my mouth shut. Well, I do a lot actually. So I don't know. AGH! I can't grow up, Auds, that's my whole predicament.

It am going to start writing down the dates that you call me and the dates I call you and see what the ratio is, aha. It'd definitley be interesting. It's not even nine o'clock, what is this?

How far away is Brownsburg then? Seventy miles? Weird! I just looked it up and you are actually only about forty miles away. Shows how good I am at estimating. I am really bad at that in all aspects.

Why live is nothing is interesting? Everyone will always find a reason to live, no matter what happens. If not for themeselves, so other people can't have it. It tends to work that way.

The Ticketmaster hadn't realized the hours that had passed, them still in the same spot, the Ticketmaster still holding her gaze steady, trying to find something in her brain that would tell her what to do. She hadn't slept for so long. No one knew how to get her to calm down enough like the Ragpicker did, or knew what to say or do, no, not like the Ragpicker. Why could one person make you feel like throwing it all away, how could she make it all feel worth it? It was scary and frustrating but familiar and definitley welcomed, oddly enough. Just one thing was driving her crazy. "Why'd you leave?"

supercilious(adjective): coolly and disdainfully proud

I kind of have this mode that comes around, daily, and it doesn't really stop untill, well, I don't really know. It's like it has a trigger and a shiled and I don't really know either, it just happens, and I settle into it untill something makes it go away, because I can't do it myself. It's weird. I wonder if emotions really are that different. Like people feel happiness differently. I know different things make different people happy, but is the happiness different? I don't think so, actually.

All I've got to say about Christmas is I'm ready to curl up with my grandma and get my gas card, aha.

WAIT!! DO I GET TO SEE MY NEW BABY COUSIN?!? I don't want to get hopeful, though. I really am though, now that I thought about it. Oh, I hope so.

The twenty-sixth, Auds. Either I'm going over there or you are coming over here and we will make that fort. Bring it.

I hate not being able to write in books. I have such a horrible memory when it comes to text. I can remember anything about somebody, but when it comes to facts or quotes or whatever, I am so forgetful. I am very slow when it comes to that type of thing.

I'm so glad you get to brush your teeth, aha. My hair is curled at the ends and I don't know why. I hope the talk with your mom is not filled with anger. Will you write me secret drafts? I should clean my room. I am going to Steak and Ale for dinner tomorrow night, (Christmas Eve tradition) and I am so excited. Well, Auds, maybe you will call back? You should. I am in a conversationable mood. I thought of a really good question to ask people earlier today but I totally forgot what it was. Maybe I will think of it?