Gar!

Auds, I told you to go to bed. You said you were tired, and I told you specifically to not write on the blog, and to go to bed. You have disobeyed me, and for that, you shall pay. Meaning: I will not call you. :]

Those smileys actually are beginning to annoy me. They are just, I don't know. They aren't correct. I hope you can tell when I am smiling through my typing, aha. I'm even getting tired of my "aha's." What are these after effects of Lineweaver?

The world is extraordinary, Auds. And I love to pretend that it's all mine. Sometimes, when I am deathly tired, I just go out on my porch and I lay on it and I outstretch my arms and I just watch, and you know, you can see the sky is moving. And you can feel your head moving. And you know that everyone is moving, always moving. It's fascinating, and it's all yours, Auds. You know? It's all yours, it's all theirs. Somehow. And that's why I love it so much, because the world, and life, and all of us, we are all connected. It's all reason and philosophy but I just like it because you can feel it, and to me, that's the definition of real. I like real. It's all extraordinary.

I hate falling asleep during movies. Or, the case at your house, being told I cannot like it, aha. Just kidding, I promise. But really, after sitting there through it and then all at once, you are out and you wake up to the credits rolling, and it's absolutely maddening. I don't like wasting time. Well, actually, wasting time is differnent for everyone. I'm sure people think I waste a lot of time, but I like to think I've never done anything counter-productive in my entire life. Although that is lying into myself, sometimes it makes me feel content, and possibly, temporary contentness is better than being honest with yourself.

Auds, this does not mean my Memaw doesn't dislike you, not at all. I promise she said it in a sympathetic tone, I just like to pretend she doesn't like you. She does though, no worries at all. Weird.

Aha, can you please write The Ragpicker and the Ticketmaster? I would love it, really. You tell good stories, I know now, aha. Even if you do put obvious hints as to who the characters are, and you only put the bad characterisitcs of them (even though my not showering is not really a bad thing, and you know if I started showering daily it would just shake everything you thought you knew). Ah, I need a story tonight. The Invisible Children movie came in. I feel bad for not wanting to think about it. I feel bad for not putting every ounce I have into it.

What happened to those biographies? Where is yours? Hanging up in the Hall of Fame of Life under the category of "most love inspired Ragpicker's biography"? Maybe? Despite the fact that I wrote it? But, you meant it. Of course I meant it, everyone knows it, Auds. But finally, you mean it too, aha. I just know these things.

Why are you sad, Auds? Well, I guess the reasons we are all sad. You know, it may be a different story for everyone but it pulls the same emotions, and emotions are what make us human, and us being human is a beautiful thing that should be embraced more often. I wish I was brave enough to be vulnerable. And you know, when I'm happy and content, for that little bit, I am thankful for my unhappiness and all the rough goings, because, well, I believe no one would be happy if we didn't have sadness. It's circular logic and it makes it worth it. Feel sorry for yourself, Auds. For one day, screw everyone over. Scream the "F" word. Don't go to bed untill five in the morning. Don't do your homework. Don't do something you don't want to do. I think those things are kind of necessary, but then again, I could be very wrong. And, this could mess everything up, but sometimes, that makes people happier. I'm just saying, and I just say a lot. Gah, lately, I've been completely disoriented and constantly arguing with myself. I wish I had a day where I could lay in a warm bed and get a constant head rub and just think things through. Find out where I stand but do it laying down, so I don't feel like I'm making life messier than it is. I have a habit of making things difficult, unintentionally.

Deja-vu.

You know what's really weird? When you look up "lost" in the thesauras one of the entries is "kiss goodbye."

I will not be calling, Auds. You will be calling me, and that is finally. And actually, I really hope you do call so you can possibly help me study for Algebra (that I was reminded of, thank to the handy-dandy agenda method you have passed on). And tell me a story before I fall asleep, aha. I really hope to hear your BPL public library voice. Just thinking about the possibilities makes me laugh. I'm excited.

Maybe thinking clearly would become boring, well, yeah surely it would. But just for a little but. Maybe a day. Maybe an hour, I'd be thankful for that. I wonder if anyone thinks clearly. I wonder if clear thinkers wish things were more messy. Although, I really believe things are messy for everyone, and no matter how good someone's life may seem to be, it's still hard and sloppy.

Auds, you need to go to the doctor. Even if you have to get those shots again, I'll buy you cool band-aids to make them worth it. Please?

Well, sure people would intentionally hurt me. Like you. Aha, just kidding, but I don't know. I don't think I'm optimistic or really all that positive, I'm just, er, open-minded for back of a better term. I just understand people, I guess. I don't know. If I don't, I atleast try to. Who ever said trying was good enough? They were wrong. Well, I don't know. Have I ever really given my absolute all into something? Have I ever been meticuluous and spent a ridiculous amount of time on something? Nothing comes to mind. I wonder if I was/would be satisfied. Maybe being messy and fast and going back to do it over is just me? Can we really change ourselves, or really, I don't think there is a set "ourselves." We're everything, all of the time, and that is why our minds are so convuluted and twisted and we can barely see straight. Ah, I don't know!

I just pressed hard on the exclamation button for about three rows, and then erased it all. Hm.

I have just realized how long this blog entry is going to be, and how I'm extending it by going on about how long it is going to be. I wonder if these have a limit.

It really is going to happen, Auds. Are you staying after for Invisible Children tomorrow? You are probably sleeping, and I don't want to wake you up to ask you, hopefully you remembered? Or, actually, you should go home and sleep.

I will inquire about the health extra credit tomorrow. I will do every essay too. I'm not sure I've done any? Maybe one? Maybe you could tell me all I've missed out on? Possibly I have to fail anyway for not going to the past two? I will go in earlier than nine to figure it all out.

Ahaha, "It's a secret." I love that. Speaking of secrets, new post secrets today!
(postsecret.blogspot.com) We need to become blog buddies with him!

I will go as much into your head you will let me. I know I will be surprised. That's what I love about people, about minds, about everyone. So much is there without anyone really knowing what it is. Maybe I'm nosey, but I just like to know, and I like to think about it, and I try to relate and make it understandable. I love, love, love minds. Don't ever say there isn't an ounce of mystery. There are gallons full of it, Auds. Tell me, do you say everything you think? Would you? Are there things you just don't tell people? Things you are embarrassed you think about, or wish you didn't? No one knows absolutely everything about anyone. So, yes, Auds, there is mystery. Tons of it, with everybody. I think about that, a lot.

I hate that everything just cannot be put into text. It's "like," it never "is." I guess that's why I like feelings. They are too real to handle. Life is all about extremeties, it seems.

I'm tired of living life by deadlines. It's all I've been doing, lately. Being a procastinator (although I'm getting better, thank you) doesn't help. School doesn't help, but I would never quite or anything outrageous like that just because of due dates and time restraints. No, I love school. It's just, I don't know. I guess I'm getting restless of being tethered to things I didn't ask for, despite the fact I want it or not. I want to be disengaged, for atleast a little bit.

Ah, the connections! When you think about it, everyone has indirectly touched everyone. Or, do you ever wonder how many people's pictures you are in? Like when you are looking at pictures and you see the random person walking behind you? How many people think you are some random passerby?

It's okay to use your sleeve. I do it quite frequently, aha. Auds, you and your kind-of-not-so-germaphobe self.

I don't feel ready anymore. Something happened and I've been knocked down several notches, but that's life, I guess. I don't think I ever was ready. I was excited, and that gave me very false boldness. Well, that's that, I guess. I don't we are every ready. We just adapt to whatever happens.

I'm sorry you are spacing out, Auds. Maybe you should stay home for a little bit? Do you need a card? Spacing out is such a curious event. How you just go on auto-pilot. How the body can just do that. How we don't even realize it.

January twenty-fourth, I have found out, is when I can drive people legally. I like driving. I don't like buying gas.

Don't die, Auds. To put it very naturally, you just aren't allowed to.

I hope you won't hate me for how sad Kite Runner is. I do like Franny and Zooey very much. I started writing in the Franny part earlier but I stopped, and I apologize for the pencil marks I caused in the beginning of your book. I like Zooey's part much better, though. I love books that just keep going, like how people actually think. I like to write like that. Just keep it going with no paragraph changing and simply but not exactly simply because the human mind is so conplex and every thought just goes on into it's own little speel, and I don't know, I just like reading that. As I was saying! The book is very good, and I like it so far. Really, I like J.D. Salinger and this book makes me thing Catcher in the Rye is not his best, juding from this.

This entry is much too long, and I feel like a creep, so I'm going to go before it gets any longer. Good-night.