"I'm feeling anxious."

It's very humid. I came home from school and went to sleep right away. You know, when I'm upset or angry, I sleep a lot better. Actually, not true. When I haven't slept in awhile and I'm bothered, I sleep a lot better. I slept untill eight o'clock. It was nice. I opened my window (which my bed is now right by) because the weather is so nice (WTF, it is January, WTF it is Indiana). Anyways, I don't remember any dreams or anything just that my mom came in my room about three times.

-Sleepy Encounter with Mom Numero Uno: "Do you want a hamburger? Dinner is going to be done soon." "No."
-Sleepy Encounter with Mom Numero Dos: "Let's have a Starbucks date sometime this week, kiddo." "Okay." In actuality, I'm very weary of this. But she did use the word date and I love that word (not in the romantic sense, obviously) just when people call outings or hanging out "dates," it makes it seem a lot better.
-Sleepy Encounter with Mom Numero Tres: "I left a check for you to give to Nick." Nick being short for Nicki being my older sister. This will make my sister very happy, so I'm excited to give it to her. I'm also excited to give Nicki her Christmas present, and excited to recieve mine.

Synopsis: I skipped dinner, but I'm not all that hungry. Weird. I am going to go to Starbucks with my mom, and I know exactly what is going to happen, and I guess I'm being very cynical and judgmental and not "open to possibilities" but I don't feel like being in any other mood right now. (Keep this in mind as you read on if anything seems very harsh.) I am excited to see my sister tomorrow. She refreshes my wit.

The thought of my pain kills you inside? Sarcasm is not appreciated, Auds. Do you recall a certain sound my back made when a certain person transfers all of their might into their right (maybe you hit me with your left?) hand, relocating all of that force to my body? Yeah, I like feeling like bricks are being thrown at me too. Really, favorite.

I did go to class, Auds. Tell your mom that. Your mom and I will have a talk this weekend or something. I'll tell her I will be anorexic if she and your father carry out their plan. I don't think she would like that, despite what she already thinks. Tell her I will no longer eat her cooking. There.

I have a new understanding of metaphors, but at the same time I don't understand why we use them. Actually, I do. So we can avoid saying what we really want to say it. Or say it in a nicer way. I don't know if I'm a metaphor person. I use them a lot, only because, in using them, you can...
1. Avoid answering anything directly, or for that matter, at all.
2. Make things sound a lot better/worse than they are (Embrace or ostracize to your heart's content!
3. Make something relatable (when really, I think anyone can relate to anything if they think about it. Sure, I was never sent to an internment camp, but I've felt lost, scared, and blind as to why someone thinks the way they do. So I can relate in that way.) So, I guess make something more obviously relatable?

Tegan and Sara do have very short songs. The whole album's running time is only like thirty-five minutes or so. Too bad their songs are good. I always ruin them early on by listening to them on repeat, so by 122 plays later (being within a four day period) I don't listen to the song for awhile.

If the weather is as nice as it is today, tomorrow I will run. I do feel rather like a sloth. Not good. I miss the days when I was just so fit. Ah, I'll get back to it eventually. Running does always make you feel better. Sure, there are endorphins, but there's something else about it too. It seems with everything there is always something else. Your non-shaven legs make me so joyful. My insides turn to Jell-o and I just feel like sitting but bouncing (you know how Jell-O does) around them. You've still got about a month and two-and-a-half weeks. Yes! AKA Two-and-a-half weeks of glorious limb bristle!

I still do not understand this solution that you speak of. It makes me panic in a really frantic "OMGOMGOMG-WHAT-IS-SHE-TALKING-ABOUT-WHAT-IS-THIS-TALK-I-DO-NOT-UNDERSTAND" and that sort of thing always annoys me. I am sorry if you think I hate you, Auds. I don't, at all, and you know this. The Blog has to continue forever. What else will I do with my life?

You didn't run out, Auds. Stop this nonsense and if I here one more thing about my family hating you (the biggest lie since ever) I will do something treacherous (which I can't really think of anything, but it will be bad). Do not beg forgiveness, there is none needed. My memaw still loves you and wants to know if you want to come over to watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind with us. (This is actually on the list. It's one of the alien movies. My grandma and I used to watch it all the time and it's one of our favorite movies. So, you do need to see it eventually if you want to continue this relationship.)

Okay, Audrey. This summer is going to be amazing, and we have to actually follow through. Driving will make it a lot easier, actually. I wonder how long the list will be by the time summer actually comes around. It will be action-packed (in a leisurely way, as summer is) and just incredible. Bring it. Auds and Abigail, Summer '08. (Isn't it weird how you elongate my name and I abbreviate yours?)

I love riding bikes. That's actually going to come up later in this entry. I like having an objective too. No, sometimes I really don't and I like things to be aimless. I'm talking about, well, like crossing things off of a list. I like to wake up in the morning and say "Today is the day I get to do ___________." It just excites me. I like looking forward to things, and I like even more when they happen. It could be true that I am seldom dissappointed.

You know, when you hope good things for people, it just, I like to see it. I love when people are like "I really hope this person gets this..." or something along those lines. It is just so nice. It may not be absolutely altruistic, but certainly close. I also love when people say someone deserves something. You know how great it is to actually deserve something, let alone be recognized? That is a very good thing. It makes my heart happy.

Life really is just absolutely insane. You can't take control of it, (which I am obviously having extreme issues with, but coming to a collective compliance with), but you can make the best of it. You still have decisions to be made and things to do and just, it's all up to us to make it work. And I kind of like this. As time goes by I'm getting more and more used to it, I suppose. That's a really bad way to describe it and not really it at all, but in the least bit. It'll just have to work.

Man, are we going to become one of those crazy homeschooler families with 9372 children? No, Audrey, we can't. No matter what we will send our children to school. They will just have a ridiculous amount of siblings. Our Canadian farm will be the new Epcot. It'll be amazing. (http://www.farmsofcanada.com/) Ahaha, oh Lord. Okay, so if I'll be the owner of an Inn, we can just go ahead and build it on our property! So, our farm will have to be within forty-five minutes of a pretty well of city if we want anyone to come to it. Why am I planning this out? Your mom thinks I am ungrateful of her food?!? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Only the opposite. Her cooking is my favorite.

I'm easily swayed when it comes to how I see life. Often I'm all excited and YEAHYEAHLET'SGO and other often's I'm just tired of it and I am totally lost. I do appreciate it. I like experiencing things and having a life and all that but sometimes the bad just plainly outweighs the good (sometimes the good is not even present) and it kills you in the not losing your life sort of way. It's all about the events in the day.

I was serious in regarding your approach to history, actually. That's what I was saying too. We are always going to be dealing with history, and making it, even if it is in very minimal ways. It's one of the few constants in life. I was being serious. I am just bad at making my tone apparent, I suppose. What I meant by the "Wow, Auds..." was that I had never heard that and it was profound and it made a lot of sense and I was impressed. So there.

Forget all head rubs? Auds, you are asking the impossible.

Actually, I am a firm believer in nothing being impossible, but really, I would hate that. No one else can do it. If you no longer give me head rubs, I will do something treacherous (once again can't think of anything, I feel bad, I think it shows how obvious you are the good in this relationship).

Ball jars really are awesome. They are so fun. They have so many possibilites. Ah, cloud hunting. The expedition of a lifetime, really. Armed with butterfly nets and Ball jars, we will become the proud owners of some cloud specimen. This is going to be good.

The list is the best thing, ever. I can't think of anything that makes me happier, besides the moment when these things will happen. I'm glad I make you happy, Auds. You make me happy too. Spring is coming up and this is good, it's basically cloud-hunting season. Perfect!

I just don't get how people can control their emotions. If I'm sad, and someone is like "Oh, Abby, cheer up." I won't be like, "Hey, good idea. You know, I'll do just that. Thanks for the suggestion. I hadn't thought about it yet. You know, I'm already beginning to feel just chipper." No. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off the sadness, but hey, you can't.

I love that too. Tegan and Sara just make me laugh and I like what they have to say and it makes me feel good. On the other hand, I like not knowing about the musician just so I a lot of times I can 1. keep the song in my head to mean what I want it to mean, and 2. I may not like that person by what I read or hear or see. So, often, I don't take the chance. Usually I do when I hear good things first. Keep it safe.

I have done a lot of numbering off in this entry.

I love that YouTube video! That looks so fun! Auds, let's do it! Now we probably couldn't get that many, but hey, we can have a miniature version. That was a very intense video. I like the man in the beginning who seems to be trying to get shelter, ha. I wonder if that would hurt, to be pelted with all of those crazy bouncy balls. I suppose it would.

I feel the same way. I just want a couple of answers. Maybe one or two definites. That would satisfy me to know end. Just let me know something.

I don't feel better about being at school. It just, I don't know. I'm so nervous about it. I don't know why. I have in my head things I'd like to do for the school, things I need to do, but then I just, I don't know. I just get all kinds of worked up instead and don't end up doing anything, despite whatever my intentions may have been. Hm.

I don't understand the desire to put things into categories. Why would you label something, knowing that it's just going to increase judgement and produce nothing positive. They don't really help understand anything either, so I don't really get it. I'm not alright being categorized. I don't like it. No one can tell me who I am. No one knows me that well, no one knows anyone that well. Sure, you can get close, but you are never so close to someone that you are that person.

That's why I like Herron too. No one is stuck to what people may think they are. Herron really isn't normal, at all. In a good way.

Let's go office chair racing.

I may hate love, but I do believe it is real. Sure, in a surreal kind of way, but nonetheless real. I don't like it all that much, but you know, when it's a happy thing, I kind of admire it. Like, how someone can be like "I am so lucky to have met them." That just makes me so happy. How nice would it be to have someone to think of you like that. To think that they are lucky to have met you. That speaks volumes. I don't know, I think am beginning to admire love. Not be so cold to the concept.

You know, probably half of the things I say or think are probably totally wrong, but I like to keep it that way, just because sometimes, I'm content with it, and I like it. Just the theories I have and the things I think about people (some, I've never even met, some I just have randomly seen).

You won't die soon. That's one of my biggest fears. Dying before I am content. Not that I am not content, just, hm. Well, I'm not content, actually. I want to get out of there. Like you said, there is so much I want/need to do.

I am actually ecstatic for this concerto, really. I'll get started on your banjo ballad. I'm glad you like it. Very seldom do I like a drawing or painting I've done, and when I do like it, I feel bad when I admit it.

I am excited for this surprise! Really, really, really. Even if you wouldn't tell me what it was, I'm still excited. "It might be dirty." That makes me nervous, although.

I was about to say dreams are explainable, but then I realized, no, not really. You can never get the other person to feel/see exactly what it was like. I love how in those Sci-Fi shows and movies and books sometimes they enter other people's dreams. It's just interesting. I wish I could record my dreams and watch them when I wake up. That may be cheating though. I really am curious as to what I don't remember. I don't think all of the answers necessarily lie in our dreams. I'm starting to think some of our answers lie in other people, sort of. And maybe I'm confusing answers with being affected in a huge way. I don't know.

My relationship with my Memaw makes me happy. No one will have a more comfortable lap then hers. Also, I like that she gets my sense of humor. In fact, we basically have the same sense of humor. Oh, man. I love her so much. Audrey, she loves you too. No worries.

I'm sorry you were in a bad mood. If you ever just want to yell or scream or beat someone up, I'm your (granted, lacking genitalia) man. Or you know, if you just want to cry on a shoulder, but I think you have called my shoulders boney on numerous occasions and I don't know how comfortable that would be for you. Maybe it wouldn't matter?

"Take a slice and pass the worries pie around." Ahahahah, oh Auds, you are my favorite person, ever. That was the best quote I think I have ever heard.

I think before we start helping each other out, we will have to become more open as a whole. No one is coming forth with their problems because of fear. Scared of judgement, rejection, not being understood, just all of that. And that is totally understandable. I feel that way in many ways. I just don't know how you make people more open minded and understanding. Not make them, but, well, I don't know how to put it.

I do not have advanced music knowledge, Auds. I'm just thug nasty. And I really don't know if that is relevant, an any way.

AHAHAHA.
What is this?

The only reason I want less of a free fall is just so things wouldn't be so confusing and hard and messed up and forced and twenty kinds of craziness all the time. But life is good, I must admit, and if I had the choice, I would choose the free fall, for it makes everything much more sincere and beautiful and just makes up life itself. Lately, my musceles have been so tense and my mind constantly thinking and my bones are just plain tired. Life is just a collective of experiences. Good, bad, small, great, whatever, it's all there, in every movement, every thought. Sometimes I don't like that, usually I do.

Oh, Auds. Soon enough you'll be facing the three-in-the-morning crowd with the best of us. You just wait. It will happen.

I really hope tennis will pull through. I was kind of really looking forward to it.

As their old song floated through the parlor, the Ticketmaster followed the Ragpicker to a booth off to the side, right by a window. This is where they used to sit. The table was still just as small, the seats ripped in the same place. The Ticketmaster smiled as they were settling into their seats, and saw that the Ragpicker was also. "So, shall we get our usual?" the Ticketmaster asked. "I think that would grand," replied the Ragpicker. The Ticketmaster smiled. "So, well. How have you been doing? What have you been up to? How's the family?" The Ticketmaster realized it could have been considered prying, but she was never one to conceal her interest, and why now?

It's nice to sit here with my window open. Really, the air is nice.

Why do you feel bad for Tolstoy? Sure, he has plenty of fans without me or you in the mix.

Most Desired Possessions
1. A whole set of hardback encyclopedias, unabridged. (Preferably, I would get all the sets as they came out annually, but I would be content with just one set.) I am obsessed. I love that all that information can just be right there.
2. An old bike. Preferably one of those beach cruisers. I love them. I'd want a basket on the back to put my things. It'd be some crazy metallic red, blue, green, or black, or something. The tires would have that old white rim... It'd be nice and very convenient. I wish everyone rode bikes instead.
3. Unlimited membership to iMesh. They have everything. (It's a music downloading program, I've just been told my free trial will run out in six days.) It's amazing. I'm going to miss it dearly.

How about you, Auds?

Now I am going to go write, I think. It feels so nice. I played around with the bold and italiac applications on this, let's see how they turned out. See you in about seven hours!