I look back

and I don't think I'm that stupid, or confused. I don't think I'm that immature. I don't think I was lost.
I look back and I just don't really have any idea - and maybe that says it all.
I look at myself now, and I've got a good idea, just no drive.
Maybe that's it. Then, I had drive. Now, I'm just tired.

Top Ten Things I Like To Eat And Not Feel Guilty About Later:
1. Any type of healthy cereal; see Kashi and Cheerios. They are so good, so I don't know why I gravitate towards Golden Puffs.
In some ways, maybe my choices will be the death of me.
2. Fruit! It just makes you happy.
2A. Specifically, fruit salads of happigoodness.
3. Toasted peanut butter/honey sandwiches. Yes.
3a. Waffle-wiches. Enough said.
4. Ice cream in mugs because if you just have one mug, that means you aren't having too much. And it's so good.
5. String cheese, though I've been eating it so much lately I'm kind of getting tired of it.
6. Carrots and ranch dressing. Yes, yes, and yes.
7. Rye bread with cinnamon butter. It's just so good.
8. Mashed potatoes!
9. Egg noodles. (Speaking of with, this and the prementioned withh me present at Thanksgiving. Yes.)
10. Tomatoes, especially in the summer. As is tomato and mozzarella paninis, as in just-tomato sandwiches, as in I love you.

And, maybe she's right, maybe these are the things that define me.
She as in Ayn Rand.

As in, as in, as in, I'm pretentious.
The word pretentious is pretentious, I love words like that.

I've got a lot to do. Me? Go shopping tomorrow?
But maybe that's the problem. I'm making it weird for me to go shopping for tights and a sweater. Do I like the dress? I don't mind it. Why do I not bother? I don't mind it. Is it the problem that I don't mind? "I could never see you in a dress!" Fuck you, I could never see you naked, thankgod,thankyou.

You might think I'm angry but I'm smiling and calm.

I love best friends that schedule things for other best friends, like Taylor is doing for Kimber. I do.

1. Clean my room, tonight. It's a bit of a mess and a cat has thrown up in my closet but you see, I am God, it'll be easy.

Audrey, Disney Scene-It is here!

2. Do homework/missing work, once again find my paper de passsword/username because I'm a loser like that, in the way that I lose things. Not basketball games though.

3. Get some money for holiday shopping. (Get-rich-quick scheme 1: nada.)

I love holiday shopping. I don't understand how people hate it. I think it is one of the best parts of the holiday season. Materialistic? Probably. But some things do make me happy, that's my right. That's my perogrative. But I've got this bass line...

LOSE YOURSELF! (Loser.) You had it coming.

And what person is this in? 1,2,3 Or E. All of the above.

Yes, I am installing the Zune Updated Software, Yes, finally, after months of clicking "Remind me later," Yes I'm awesome.

4. Buy Zune USB cord, for where has mine gone? With the cowboys?

The generation that emerged from a shithole. That's just the way my mind works. Can you hate someone for that, I don't think so.

If you type a sentence one letter at a time is it more sincere? Thus, presents my argument for having sex before marriage.
I'm not backspacing in the blog post, except when there are typos. It's a self-correcting live-feed of my brain. Like the book, but minus the adcertisements.

Zuneware has been successfully installed! I wonder what this means for my life!
You know something is newly installed when you find it on my desktop. I like to hide my virtual things I guess. That sounds so creeper.

I've got a lot of feelings, maybe the answers lie in these brain-feeds. Can that be our new blog name? Brain-feeds? Maybe I'll do it myself and see how you feel about it?

Things I'm Pretentious About:
1. Music. I am so proud of the music I like and listen to. It's redic. Pride and prejudiced. I like when Elizabeth tells me I know "every freaking song," I think of it as a talent.
2. Books. I feel the same way about books as I feel about music. I just have to own them.
3. Politics. I think I am pretty snotty about being a liberal. Snotty? No. Just, in these matters, it's one of the few things I really think I'm right in. I don't mean to, and sometimes I feel bad, but I guess that's just me.

I think that's it. Maybe no?

All other things I am unabashed. Good word.
I might go sleep with Emily? I can't sleep, I'm not tired, I'm thinking constantly. If only I could turn my brain-feed off.
So sci-fi.
"I'm just visiting." Where will the future take us?

I am so afraid of physical memory dumps, they need to stop, and they need to stop now!

Maybe I'm excited to go dancing with myself? But I don't mean masturbate, I mean shopping. More holiday thinking? I think I think more this time of year. Maybe it's the spirit?

What time is it there? Are you tired? Are you scared?

How long will the blog be here? Will I regret asking that?

I might go sleep with Emily, in her tiny, uncomfortable bed. She's amazing.

"It won't translate." What all is lost in translation?
Feeling?

I hope to never have to accept that it's over.
I'm smiling.

I think it can always be made right, I just don't know how.

"I'm in a world apart,

a world where roses bloom."

I'm content. Maybe because it seems as if, right now, I have time. I don't like to be rushed. I like to saunter. I like listening to Louie Armstrong. I like to sit and think a bit, and then stretch out and read for a while, and simply smile for a moment. I like to be lazy. I don't think it is lazy, really. I think it is enjoyable. So maybe it isn't lazy, just thinking. Maybe.

I don't like this place you are in, I can state simply enough. Why is much more complex. I wish you would slow down a bit and join me right here, where I sway along the rose-surrounded path.

I just finished all of the government terms, and I'm about to start of the other half of the study guide. Then, cello, running, a shower, pre-calc, and SAT studying for an hour or so.

I like this plan.

I like plans. I like lists, I like schedules. But I like spontaneous occurences just as much. I like random bursts of song and surprises. I like random warm days when it has been cold and random cold days when it has been warm. I like happiness in the middle of sadness, and sometimes,sadness in the middle of happiness. I like long breaks when I've been busy and a random spurt of business when I've been on the couch for too long.

I like movies.
I like globes.
I like lamps.
And I really, really like flowers.

And I'm going to go now, to be in a happy place called my paradise, which others seem to think is just a green couch in the kitchen with a yellow blanket. But, no. It is much, much more.

I think I'll go read.
Maybe I won't run...

"You'll

always have me around."
I am asking that a lot lately.
What if I just...didn't? Or, even, what if I did? None of this is spurred from depression or any of that, no, it's from, well, honestly.
What if I did?
Would I be okay? Dissappointed? Am I young and angsty and stupid?
Probably.
But,
I'm also ingenius, dammit.

That just made me smile.

I like...
Smiling by myself, or making myself laugh. It's just a good feeling.
I like cold feet in the process of warming hope. It's a miniscule form of hope.
Folk music. I like it a lot.
CHRISTMAS, WHICH IS COMING UP!
And good sleep.

I'm in a weird mood. Stressed, aware, unrelaxed, missing you...
But, also, calm?
In a way, for some reason, the only way I can imagine someone feels right before they get into a life altering car accident.
Metaphorically?
What will be my car crash?
Hm.

I'm addicted to what people think, not really about me though.

Hm, hm, hm...

A lot of hm's.

This weekend was really, really good.

I was not a big fan of the MacBeth play, but I am really liking the play.

This is such an interesting time in life, internally, expternally.

I don't really know what to say. I'm kind of at a I-have-a-lot-of-feelings-but-don't-really-know-what-to-say place in my life.
Hey ya, mixed berry.

Good morning, sunflower.

"And, speaking of high school...

I never passed that."

I wonder if, sporadically, we just upped and dropped out of high school? What would happen then? Or, possibly even worse, we completely failed it? How would everyone react? I think I would be quite depressed for a little bit, and then I'd realize that the situation is really, truly, and completely...hysterically funny.

I like dancing, too. I was home alone today, and I put on my headphones and went downstairs to clean, and I realized that I can kind of shaking my hips as I walked, and then I started all out dancing, going crazy and singing at the top of my lungs, and Hank was excited and he started barking and running around, and I was chasing him and shaking my head and getting my Beyonce on. It was a good time, really. I like random moments when I'm home alone, singing and dancing and being stupid. Comfortable. I like being comfortable. I like no stress, no anger, no sadness. I really, really do like happy. I know most people imply they like happy, but I really do. And maybe, yeah, I like to hide my problems. I like to think that everything's a-okay, but that's how I'm comfortable. And that's how I like it. And occassionally, I break down, yeah, but then I can go back to my happy universe. I'm happiest when I'm happy, you know? I'm happiest when other people are happy, too. So maybe me wanting to change the world is purely selfish--I don't care if these people are happy, it's simply that if they are happy, I will be even moreso. But I hope that's not why.

I love being warm when I'm cold. I love hot chocolate and Christmas songs and cartoons. I simply cannot wait. Again, it's happy, and I like it. Christmas, I mean. It's just so...wonderful.

I think I can go to Macbeth tomorrow, happily. I'm excited. I really like Shakespeare at the IRT, especially on the stage we're going to. I saw Twelfth Night there, and it was fantastic.

Must run.
Well, not really run.
Must dance.

I just remembered something wonderful,

something fantastic.

Something exciting.

Happy one year blog anniversary!

"And all of the things we found so hard to say,

maybe now they'll..."
Not everything has to be finished.
And, you know, I like that.

I did something today that you are going to be very proud of.
I saw Mamma Mia!.
Yep, and I liked it, and I smiled, and I laughed, and well...and well. That is what.

I like slow songs but I like to dance too. I do like to dance, with people. With the right people. The people that make me smile. I like holding hands, and feeling different hands. I like not worrying about who is seeing me hold whoever's hands because there is this attatchement that, even if I tried to pull away for public acceptance, well, I can't. It's too wonderful not too. I like shoes that are just a little too big, but they somehow fit perfectly. I love goofy people that are goofy looking. I love good hair days, although for me my hair is always greasy when I have them. I love confidence and the days I have it. I love talking about anything and everthing, and when conversation flows. When new thoughts come up. When there are little bickerments but it keeps moving forward.
I love that.

I love when someone that is really warm sits next to you, and is all warm and wonderful and cuddly. It's a good thing.

I am not at school. And I feel better, I'm excited to go to school tomorrow. I am going to basketball practice, though. Ha.

Audrey, you are a really good writer.

Lineweaver has really good assignments.

I hope you would like to come out of your blanket tent soon. I am holding your Halloween candy hostage. Not really. I will slip as many pieces under the blanket as you need me to. I will wait, as patient as a saint.

I like falling asleep early when I'm really, truly tired.
I like being really, truly tired, because I feel like it's a reward for trying really hard. I like knowing that I tried really hard. I don't know all the time, and I wonder if that means I didn't try hard. I do not know.

I've got some things for you, yep.

Things I am thinking about.
1. Childhood memories - They can be sad, but I seem to also be sad about the good ones. I wish I never saw the pictures of naked people at Emily's dad's horshoe league clubhouse thing. I wish I would have been protected from that. Television made me feel better though, so I've got that. I don't want to wish, I'm okay where I am.
2. I need to find my house key. It's obnoxious to climb in the window, every single time. It's old news.
3. In the picture, my teeth were as yellow as my hair. Agh.

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

My, my, my, we are growing up. It's wyrd.

I'll call you tonight, I'll see you tomorrow, I'll be better and so will you.

Good day,
Audrey Elizabeth. Good day.

"Yes I would, if I could, I surely would."

Today was not cold fall. Today was wonderful. I just wish I were more energized. The black abyss that is your TV and the narrow valley that was my place on the couch did not aid me in my quest for sleep.
I like pictures that hang without frames. I like finding CDs that appear to be blank, and then you listen to them. Old mixes from seventh grade with "It's Raining Men" on them. Twice. I like mechanical pencils and crappy pens that bleed ink occassionally. I like paper clips, and not when they are decorated. I like when my family has dinner together, and conversation flows. I like when Katie does poorly at soccer; I will admit it. There is a sense of competition with my nine-year-old sister. And I like boxes. I like putting the ones from the post office together. I like cardboard.

I don't want to go back to school. Really, I like school. I like having homework. I like learning, and tests, and weird projects. But I'm simply not feeling it right now. I would rather read crappy teen novels and eat Halloween candy by myself under the covers. I want a tent. A giant white tent that is fluffy and wonderful, and at night it covers me like a blanket, but during the daytime it will allow the sunlight to glow through slightly, beckoning me outside. And maybe I'll leave my giant tent. But maybe not. I will on my own time, and no one, not even sunlight, can make me.

I'm tired. I'm achy. But I'm calm. I'm ready to watch Cinderella with Katie. To be honest, I like my mom telling me I have to stay home once a night during the weekend. I was glad to hear it. I like being home. I like watching simple children's movies. I like falling asleep early.

I want to read and write and grow up like a sunflower.
Maybe I'll reincarnate into a sunflower. I'll give that a few rounds. A whirl.

They kissed.
Yep. They did.

I don't know why I'm writing this, really. You won't see it for a while. You're at Memaw's, which doesn't have a computer, so you can't check it. But you're used to not having a computer, since you spend all of your time there now.

But maybe the blog isn't about when you'll read. Just that you will. And that in itself is a comfort.