"I'm a head case if I don't keep moving.

My head hurts if I don't sit still." I just woke up! I slept for five straight hours. No dream or anything. It was so nice. I feel so rested. I'm in a good mood. I feel optimistic. Maybe it's the New Year's tomorrow, maybe it's a step in the tier of enlightenment, whatever it is, I'm in a good mood. I know in a bit I'll get all crazy because I won't think what I'm thinking anymore (I tend to do that a lot), but as for now, it's good. It's funny how me knowing how fickle my brain is isn't changing my mood. Ah, well.

Today I went out with my grandma, just me and her, and you know what, I love her, so much. She was in such a good mood. Maybe that's where my mood came from. But anyways, she picked me up and took me to Wal-Mart to go get some shampoo, (I think she talked about doing this when you were over. One thing you will learn about her, she always does what she says.) and then we went to Arby's because I hadn't had anything to eat yet, and I got a Beef'N'Cheddar, mozzerella sticks, a humongus root beer, and those cheesecake poppers they have been advertising. It was very good. Then we went to the mall to go to Waldenbooks and we got our word-a-day calendars. Then we left the mall (by the way it took us forever to find a parking spot, my grandma claims it was the longest she has ever searched) and we went to Half Price books where I got a book about the Rat Pack (okay, so it's mainly about Sinatra, but I got it for the pictures) for only a dollar! By then it was about five o'clock so she took me home, and I came in my bed and read a little bit (I'm reading a biography of a girl who was in a Mormon family and her father had seven wives) but it was too much and I fell asleep and then about nine o'clock I woke up! It's been a pretty good day. I have realized I have made a nest out of my bed area. I have everything within a two foot radius. I need to clean it up. On my desk lies the remnants of the Steak'N'Shake I bought, what, two days ago? In the middle of my floor lies a lone dirty sock. I need to get-it-togetha.

What is a plum pudding dress? It looks like an Ebay ad? I searched on Google because my curiosity got the best of me and I'm still lost as to what makes a plum pudding dress. The color? But one was green. The cut? But they didn't all see the same. Ah, the mystery that are plum pudding dresses!

I hate when computers are so slow. Just randomly. Computers actually kind of freak me out, because you don't really know what all is going on in them. Just like everything I suppose. I guess I am kind of freaked out by everything. A freak out that I can embrace though.

I like riding in airplanes. It is different from anything else. Airplanes are based on Bernoulli's Principal, which of course is a bunch of physics junk, but you know and I know that can't just be it. Life can't be put down to a formula, because like you said, there's one thing you can't put into words and that's the magic of it all. Everything has a touch of magic. Not magic as pulling a rabbit out of a hat, of course not, but there's something there and magic is the only word I can think to be as synonymous.

I wish you were allowed to open the windows on an airplane without being vacuumed. Clouds are fun to fly through. You'll see everything and then all of a sudden all you see are weighted air particles and all you want to do is just kind of swim through it. That's what it makes me want to do atleast. One time on Doug, his friend collected clouds in a jar, and I've always wanted to do that. Even if it wouldn't look like anything, just clear, you still have a cloud! Let's do that, Auds. Let's go cloud hunting.

Staying home is nice. I'm home tonight, and I'm in a very calm mood. I just talked to Jobeth and it was a very good talk. Something about tonight makes me feel like I'm coming to terms with something. I don't really know what. Maybe just my life and how things are going in general. Which is good. My brain has had almost a constant battle and it's almost like I've had this constand headache, this constant worry and back thoughts of everything, but for right now, I'm alright.

I love when the whole family is happy. At one point on Christmas, I think it was right when I woke up, actually, I was walking into the living room and I looked at everybody and they were so happy. They were all just smiling at each other when they were talking and everyone was listening and talking and it was so, so nice.

It's weird, how you can be happy, but true happiness has rare moments.

Okay, Auds. Someday soon I am going to turn off my phone, my television, my laptop, camera, iPod, whatever, all of it. I wonder how that day will be. Ah, I love experiments! So if I do this do I have to wear the Amish attire? Oh, Lord. Bonnets here I come. Well, actually, all I have to do is borrow from Aunt Maria's closet... JOKE!

I love mugs! I like to hold them. That's something I love about the Abbey, all their mismatched mugs. Now I want hot chocolate or something. Hm.

Ahaha, why did I study my golden hairs for like three straight minutes. I just stared. It's so peculiar. So random. It's like little baby hairs or something that were accidently put on my hip instead of my head. I don't know why I am so interested, aha. You and that silly putty. Where did this random love come from?

Okay, so all we really have, when it all comes down to it, is ourselves. What do you mean mold it? I don't think we have any control over who are, I think who we are has to control itself to fit in.

Exactly. I just don't understand why so many of these scientists are searching for what makes us, well, us. I suppose answers are nice, but you've taught me over and over that I won't get answers to everything, and I'm starting to accept that and it's really not that bad. I suppose it keeps things interesting. Keeps an air of mysetery around, and that makes me appreciate it more, I suppose. I don't know. But why do we care so much what makes people the way we are, and what are we going to do
once we get that informatiom?

Have you ever read Feed?

Auds, you are not shallow. Not once have I thought this, but you do. I don't get it. No one is shallow, really. I mean sure, some people may seem to be, and they may actually be pretty dumb, but that has nothing to do with it. No one knows what each other is thinking in bed at three in the morning. No one knows what anyone is ever really all thinking. I love that about people. I always want to know.

It's funny if you move any of the words around in the sentence you can usually get a totally different product. If I am not mistaken, there are many games based on this.

How do we know when to feel guilty? How does are body just produce that feelings? Our the things we've learned really etched that deep into us? That's weird to think about. I believe eveyrone is affected by guilt, some just hide it a lot better than others. It's all there, really. I think everyone is good, you know. No one is bad. No one does bad things on purpose, and when they do, that's what's called mental illness. There's something wrong, then. Even if people say mean things or whatever, that's just how I see it. More of how I feel it, I guess.

Do you ever get really mad when someone says "Now is not the time to talk about this."

I always wonder who set the order for things. Ahah, funny how extremes kind of go hand in hand. I just realized how loud my music it. Hey! It's Peter Bjorn & John! Except it's "Start to Melt," not "Young Folks." Anyways, really. Who decided what, and how did they get it to effect things?

"You're acting different. I like the improvement." Some comedian said that, and I really thought about it. That's how it feels when someone tells me I'm acting different. I feel like they like me more/less. It makes me mad. No one can act different, I don't understand that, because we are who are are and eveything's there. That is the best thing in the world. Being happy and comfortable. It's funny how that sounds so simple, but really, it's not. I think I am more comfortable with what I've been doing lately, and I've felt better, it's just weird how old friends become so, er, alien I suppose. How things can become totally different in a second. It's life, I suppose.

"Blue Skies" by Albert Hammond Jr.? I like that song too. Now I'm listening to "Hussel" by M.I.A., and it is absolutely insane.

I always feel bad about how I think mean things are funny. Not really mean, mean but still mean. Like I make fun of people a lot and such. Do I really mean it? I don't think I do, yet I still say it. I feel bad. And when I don't say anything, I still think it, or even if I don't, I don't laugh as much. I want to see a laugh count. That'd be amazing. Like in Monsters Inc.! If we could really do that for energy... That would be amazing. When I'm actually mad at someone, I tell myself I'm not, over and over, and I just end up feeling guilty and sad and thinking about it. I never get the point across. I'm horrible at that.

Aha, I hope your parents are almost done with that puzzle. That is extreme. I want to do a puzzle now. I like the map ones a lot. I really, really like maps.

"Well, aren't you going to answer it?" the Ticketmaster looked at the Ragpicker, still smiling. The Ticketmaster was oblivious to anything that could happen, any past ghosts that could come up in any second. They had only been reunited for hours now, but that was enough for the Ticketmaster. She thought it was all fit now, like a Snoopy puzzle. The Ragpicker suddenly looked uneasy as she opened the phone. "Hi, Paul." And at the name, the Ticketmaster's heart went into her throat and her stomach tightened. She didn't know what to do. Would she lose the Ragpicker, after this obvious slap in the face by fate? She felt drastic, something needed to happen.

It's funny how you think "a lot" sounds stupid, and I think "a large amount" sounds stupid, ahah. It's weird how right in the Perks of Being A Wallflower, when they said what's the point in using big words and complicated phrases when no one is comfortable? Honest writing is the best writing. And if you naturally use big words and complicated phrases, well, it'll be obvious. You can always tell how someone feels when they write. As obvious as that statement is, that's why I love reading, I suppose.

I'm proud of your long post, Auds, really. I love how they just keep getting longer. I've worked on this one for an hour and a half, I suppose?

I WILL stop calling you, just out of spite of that statement, aha. Bring it.

"As never." That's good. I don't hear people say it, either. Suppose there's a grammatical reason, or maybe you were the first one to think of it! I hate when people say originality is dead. It is NOT true! It can't be. I'm off to rummage for something to eat, I suppose. Tomorrow is NEW YEAR'S!

And by the way, it went from 42 entries in November to 27 in December. That is sad!

ADORABLE GIRLS PLUM PUDDING COTTON FLORAL DRESS**SIZE 7

Umm...so I clicked on the title box to type something when the list of things that have already been typed came up...you know what I'm talking about? And then this appeared...what is plum pudding cotton, I would like to know?

Something happened to my poor computer that is making it move soooo slooowleeeeeee. It is crazy.

I think, just because I have never ridden in an airplane, that it must be extraordinary. How do they work, really? I honestly think that it has nothing to do with physics or any sort of science, but something else. You can't fly just knowing Newton's laws. That doesn't seem fair. Birds must have been really nice to earn the ability to fly. What do clouds look like when you fly through them? Do they ever let you stick your hand out of the window on airplanes? Probably not, which is quite sad.

Staying home is nice. When I was called downstairs yesterday, it was for my help on a puzzle. Seriously. I love them so much, the intensity of them and that puzzle. Just my parents, working on a Snoopy puzzle at 12:30. They stayed up working on that puzzle until about 1:30. For some reason, it made me unbelievably happy, seeing them work on that puzzle for so long. Actually, I know what reason. They looked happy, which was nice, and they didn't yell at me, which was nicer, and they applauded me every time I found a piece. Actually, my dad said, "You're the coolest!" every time either my mom or I found a piece, which would have gotten crazy annoying if I wasn't so darn happy, so I just laughed. It was nice, really and truly, which has begun to be quite rare in this household.

You CAN take a day off a week to avoid any technology. There isn't anything stopping you, except if you have to use a computer at school. So do it on a Sunday or something. I encourage this idea. Go forth into the lifestyle of your Amish relatives, Abby!

I like cups. Mugs, actually. They look so simple and happy and purposeful.

I don't think it would do that much damage to my hip bone. You and those danged golden hairs are not nearly as cool as me with my silly putty.

You know what? After careful consideration and arguments between two separate parts of my brain, that actually makes sense. It IS all there, I guess. We just have to mold it, for lack of a better term, to fit us, I guess.

Who we are doesn't have much to do with genetics. I am not defined by my unattached earlobes that can also be found on my parents. I wouldn't say that is the most important part of me, and I'm sure most others would agree. That hasn't had much of an impact on my in the long run. And when people say that I inherit my father's sense of humor, that has nothing to do with genetics. Genetics are chromosomes and blood and things that don't acually make any sense. The sense of humor comes from listening to his lame jokes and eventually finding them funny enough to take on. There was no gene that said that I would be sarcastic like them. That was from listening for hours to their harsh comments. I'm not sure how this started???

I think I would be horrified to see my complete thought process. I would rather ignore the fact that I spend half of my time spacing out on "pointless" thoughts and instead believe that I might actually be a "deep" person. Though this will not happen, probably.

Doesn't it sound so weird when you move the probably around in a sentence? "Though this probably will not happen". "Though this will probably not happen". "Though this will not happen, probably."

Guilt is a crazy thing, really. How do you know when to feel guilty? Why do some people feel guilty much more easily than others? Why aren't some people even affected by guilt? Or do they even feel it? Is this a sign of a "good" person, when you feel guilt over little things? I don't know.

Why isn't is ever the other way around? Like, Audrey E. B. Or Abigail R. B. I like Norman. I've always been a fan. I always thought that my Aunt Bev and Uncle George sounded like a cute elephant couple. Or maybe little birds. One extreme or the other.

I hate being told that I am acting different. What does that mean, exactly? How was I before? No one should tell you that you are acting different, even if it is a compliment, because it makes you think that somewhere along the way something or the other changed, which is so incredibly confusing, and this person has no right to tell you that you changed because maybe you didn't? Or maybe you did? And that there was something in your life that needed changing, or there was something in your life that didn't and you have completely messed it up. Ag. Change is constant, or that's what they say, right? Be happy, and as lame as it sounds, be who you want to be, really. Be comfortable. That is the best thing in the entire world, when you are happy and comfortable and you. I like this song "Blue Skies".

I wish my jokes weren't so mean-spirited, because I think about them after, and not many people will know that that is just the way I am, so I usually am just quiet as to not hurt anyone's feelings, but then that becomes slightly boring, so I return to my nonhurtful-but-slightly-hurtful jokes that are usually meant for only me. When I am really and truly angry with someone, I manage to keep it inside most often and wait until the storm blows over and we're on good terms, and then I tend to make the point that I wanted to get across in a joking manner, which is good in that no one gets upset, but then the point DOESN'T get across.

I have just been informed that there are fourteen more pieces of the puzzle left. Yup, they are still working on it.

Despite her poverty and slightly disturbing career, the Ragpicker still managed to attain a cell phone and keep friends, mostly bums, at her side. She blushed rapidly, recognizing the Oriental ringtone as well, knowing something that the oblivious Ticketmaster did not. Just as the Ticketmaster had moved on to find "love" with Garfunkle, the Ragpicker herself had snatched a spicy Asian lover. Paul was born in Chicago to two Taiwanese parents but had left their overly-protective household at the age of sixteen to play his one love, the harp, on the streets of the chilly Windy City. He had since traveled the globe as the most talentes street-player ever known, and he continued to refuse offers from the world's greatest symphonies as it was against his morals. The Ragpicker was instantly smitten with him in her fragile state after their dramatic break-up, but at the sight of the Ticketmaster, Paul was instantly forgotten. Except for that repetitive jingle...

That was long. I got a little carried away with my lover's life story. Poor Paul...

I used to hate the phrase "a lot" when I was in fourth grade because I thought it sounded so incredibly stupid, so I started using "a large amount" in all of my papers, which would probably become annoying after being used five hundred million times.

This is a long post, I believe. Possibly the longest from me.

You will never, ever stop calling me. Never. And you know it, Abigail.

I am off to whatever. Being spontaneous as always. Or as never. Why don't you ever hear anyone say "as never"?

"It's everything

that is connected and beautiful and now I know just where I stand, thank God it's over!" Is it not ridiculous how everyone knows somebody knows somebody who you know? Really. The networking of the world is just a marvel. Everything is connected. Kind of makes me feel like you can never really be your own, if that makes sense.

"Is it wicked not to care when they say that you're mistaken?" That is one of my favorite lines, ever. And the syllables in the line you chose does very nicely flow. It's weird how mouths move.

Staying home is very nice. I love staying at my grandma's house. I don't have to do anything. I eat, watch television, read, help do chores, whatever there is to do. I don't really talk to anyone, or work on anything unless I need to. It's so relaxing. I wish I had the time to do it atleast once a week. Maybe that's why it's so great, because I don't have the time. But I should. Oh, I don't know.

Life should have one day a week where all technology is turned off.

You can very well escape from a mood. Like being okay then being really sad and then you're not, and it's like you've escaped from the sadness, just kind of how you went into it. Well, that's how I see it, atleast.

You and that danged silly putty. I'm nestled in my bed with my laptop on my golden-haired (new obession) right hip and everytime I type it kind of hurts because it puts pressure on that hip bone. Lord knows what it would do to your hip bones.

I really do not know why I like elephants so much. They are so big and peaceful, I guess. I really like elephants and lions. Lions are my grandma's favorite animal too. Elephants remind me of some ancient wise grandpa, or some random nonsensical Sally, and I like that. Lions are just admirable and interesting to watch. They look very comfortable, but I would never get too close to one, of course.

"Just because I don't like love or whatever that's about." It's been analyzed. It's crazy, how I over-analyze my own thoughts and what other people say. My poor brain. Just because I don't like love doesn't mean I don't believe in it, not that at all. I am not acting like I liked Moulin Rouge, Auds, come on. I really did like it. Who could deny Madonna and Police re-do's? No one. Not even me.

You don't have yourself? Auds, you have to. You have your body and you have your mind and that's what being alive is in the simplest sense, I think. You don't have to be familiar with it or know it all, (there's a drive to get to know it, yes), but you've got it, most definitley. It's right there. All in there. Finding yourself, I thought I knew what it meant untill lately. Now I don't understand it. Who are we not? I think it's all there, all in everyone. What's there to find? I think I just don't look at it as a matter of finding it anymore, just rather defining it.

I always wonder that. Who would I be if I was alone. Would I be me? But I suppose our experiences have a lot to do with who we are, our enviroment and such. Humans are the defintion of combined effort, really. I don't think who we are has much to do with genetics. That just doesn't make sense to me.

I'd really like some water.

"I hope you’re learning to listen.
And I hope you’re learning to stay.
And I hope you find what you’re missing.
And I hope that you’re making you’re way."

I wonder what all it would say if I had some gadget that would record all of what I thought about throughout the day and kept it in order. So I'd get to see all I thought about and how often I thought about it and what connected in my mind. It'd be really interesting.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if everyone knew everything about each other? Like everything was just out there. I think that'd be a good thing. Not if that were to just happen, but if the world was like that. I wonder who really did the first bad thing in the world. I feel bad for them. I hope they don't know what they did. That'd be too much.

I love stories. My nose is really cold and my eyes are really watery. 3:47 AM. What an interesting time. I wonder what is going on everywhere.

Scooters, vacation, and fall. What a fun mix! I have no idea what I would label these posts as. Hm...

I need a name for my elephant, Auds! I'm thinking Newman? Norman? Lloyd? Herman? Or it could be a girl? I just don't know. It is cuddled in my hip at the moment, aha. Or, it'd be good to have a first, middle, and last name. I like when people intial the first and middle name, and then write out their middle name. It just looks neat. Kind of like A.A. Gill.

Ah, Auds, I don't want to make you almost cry. I'm sorry.

Insanity? Well, who is sane, then? I just played with the skin around my knuckle a very abnormal amount of time. I would sleep if I could. It's not just something I can pull out of thin air. Maybe I'll be able to sometime, develop that skill, but until then it's insomnia, and I'm okay with it. I cope, I cope. Don't feel guilty that you sleep for so much. I don't really feel like sleep is some big thing I'm missing out with, and I only like to do it when I'm with people, and that gets covered, so I'm good, Auds.

I don't know why I am so obsessed with people. Just so fascinating, and really, the human race is such a beautiful thing.

When people tell you to be different... Well, what to do when someone is telling you to be the same, that you are being different. But if you weren't happy being that same, because when you were being that same, you were being what they wanted you to be, and really it was okay for a little bit, you didn't know anything else. Untill other people came around, and now, you like yourself a little better, and you feel just more comfortable, and you put yourself out there a little more than your used to, and it's okay, but the other people, their argument is good. It's so selfish on both parts.

I don't understand people that think they are right in pointing out people's wrongs, or what may have you. It drives me absolutely crazy. I just don't understand it. I make fun a lot, but really it's just my observations with a cynical twist and a fictional plot, and people know this. But sometimes, I say things I think out of spite or anger or whatever and it's bad, it's totally wrong of me, and I know it, but I'll say it anyway and I'll feel bad, surely, but for that little bit after I've said it and gotten it out I'll feel good, and that shouldn't happen. That's bad.

I cannot wait for tennis season to start. Something to put it all into. An "outlet," ha.

So many things, when you look at them, really are so selfish.

Are there really some things about people you can absolutely not possess (spelling...)? I don't know about that. And we are all just getting better, really. That's the goal in almost everything. To get better.

The Ticketmaster watched as the Ragpicker suddenly went silent. She took a deep breath and took the Ragpicker's hand and smiled, "Come on now, we've got a lot of adventures to embark. We've wasted much too much time." The Ragpicker's smile in return was comforting and energizing, and the Ticketmaster could care less about the rest of the world, despite how selfish she knew it may be. Then, a random Oriental melody floated through, and the Ragpicker jumped. The Ticketmaster recognized the tune. "Hey... Is that your cell phone?"

Everytime I read the story I just start cracking up. Too much to handle, aha. We can use this for the children's/harlequin romance publishing house.

Ahah, that's how it should be, hm? Well, I promise, just tell me when to stop calling you, and I will. Or when the ration gets to five million and one to one, I'll stop. Someday.

It is now 4:14. I think I will go to bed, but I am really thirsty. Maybe get some water. Ah, whatever. I went and got some water. I am cold. Tomorrow is Saturday. Hm. I need to vacuum. I'm going to make a To Do list tomorrow, I think. Woo! Lists!

Is it wicked not to care

when you've wasted many hours talking endlessly to anyone that's there?" I love the syllables in this. I don't know why. It makes the line so interesting.

I have come to the conclusion that leaving home on a Friday night is completely overrated. I have immensely enjoyed myself here, comfortably reading and eating leftovers. My mom keeps asking me if I want to do something, or telling me to call my friends back, and I keep telling her that I like being here, for once, and I don't plan on leaving, which I decided almost as soon as I lifted my head from my pillow at 1:30 PM. I just want to sit and think and sleep and read and eat and listen to Yo-yo Ma, as I have done for many hours. This is how a break should be spent. Well, at least a portion of it.

I have just escaped from the strangest mood ever (can you escape from a mood? how do I put this?), which lasted for most of the day (though I have only been up for seven and a half hours--I received twelve hours of sleep last night), and am happy to be rid of it. I was depressing myself and felt quite pitifully angry and destructive. I am now sitting indian style and playing with silly putty, which I believe is supposed to be yellow but has morphed to a rather disgusting greenish color.

I am overjoyed that you like your elephant. I told my mother, and she is still rather confused, but that's okay. Christmas at the Zoo 2007 was not good as the first time to attend. Oh, well. Ah, blue prints. You are crazy, Abigail. "Just because I don't like love or whatever that's about". Please reread this exerpt from your last entry and analyze it, because it is saddening. "Whatever that's about"...hmmm. I don't know. Thank you for acting like you liked it--"I wish you weren't a liar".

I don't think I have it. I really am lost as what to think about myself, and people making contradictionas on my personality only further confuses me. So, no, I don't think that is all we have. But I think that I might eventually find it, because I will have time to think about it and I won't have peers telling me which way to be or how to think. But then again, we will have co-workers and the media to tell us who to be, so maybe will never, ever be the person we would have been if left alone. But if we were left alone, we wouldn't have the friends that encourage individual personalities, so those wouldn't properly develop? I don't know. I really, truly don't. At all. Why did I finally come back to earth only to be welcomed by Kelly Clarkson's unbelievably loud voice? Woah.

I wore my "I'm a big sister" button even before Katie was born all around the hospital, and when we went to the food court, some lady asked if it was a boy or a girl, and I told her that she hadn't been born yet, and she just laughed. I didn't remember that until just now.

I can't handle that paragraph. I swear, it almost made me cry. Almost.

I just looked down at the "labels at this post" part of the page and I love how it says, "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall". That made me laugh pretty hard. Ah, I love humor, really.

You are insane. In a good way, I think, naturally, but insane all the same. Just SLEEP, okay? Gosh darn it, your lack of rest stresses me out and makes me feel guilty for sleeping for such a long time. Your obsession with people is something that I will never understand, sadly.

When people tell you to be different, they usually need to change a little themselves. You know what bothers me to no end? When somebody tells someone else to stop being selfish. I think this is just so hypocritical. If you tell somebody to stop thinking about him or herself, you usually want that attention turned to something else that will benefit you, which drives me insane. But anyway, don't change if you don't think you should. That would be doing something against what you believe. And don't stay the same if you know you are wrong or need change. And despite what some people say, there ARE some people that you cannot, just absolutely cannot become. If you find that you are a decent person in the begininng, you shouldn't necessarily change, but only work to be better, you know? I don't, actually. But you can stay non-grown up, if it works for you.

The Ragpicker knew this question would one day come, and yet she still had no appropriate answer. "I left...I left...I left only because I could not stay." At the Ticketmaster's gaze that told her there was no need to continue, she felt the courage that enabled her to. "You were everything, and that scared me. Everything. Being read so easily be someone, well, it is frightening. I couldn't continue loving someone so much and having the love in return when I have always believed that it would never be possible. Not me. Not with my past." She looked down and could not muster the strength to look up.

Oh, goodness, this story cannot make any sense. I am pretty sure it is impossible, and I can't write it without laughing.

No question, that ration would be five million to one in your favor. But that's okay. That's how it should be.

I hope you were not beaten by your mother. This was meant as a joke until I realized that if your mother did tend to beat you when she is angry, it would probably not come off as too hysterical. Sorry for the sense of humor that could in actuality be quite offensive.

It is only 8:48!? I have hours of reading and cookie-eating left to do.

"This is part of a multipack."

Hm? That's on the side of my water bottle, and it made me smile. I don't really know why, I just think it's kind of funny.

I'm glad you bonded, aha. Very proud, indeed. I hope you did well tonight, and really, I'm sure you did.

I'm pretty tired too. Actually, I'm not really sleepy tired, just kind of tired. Worn out, I guess. Except not. I don't really know what I'm saying becuase I'm not worn out in any sense. I just feel tired? Oh, who knows.

I'm listening to this song called "Streamlined" by Slow Runner. It's so nice and soft and just kind of quiet. And I like that. I wanted quiet in a not silent way and I got it and I like it very much.

Thank you for the Webkinz, you have no idea how much I have bonded with it. I haven't registered it online yet. I have to think of a name, and a gender, aha. I just don't know. Help?

Christmas at the Zoo, ah, good times. For real. It's okay about the animals, really. I look them up on the zoo's website occasionally, so I'm good. I had my first train ride too. Extreme. It took awhile to get used to it, but really, I'm good to go on a train now. Just probably never front seat. It really was fun though. So many lights!

Despite the fact the fort didn't exactly stay up, it was a pretty good one, you have to admit. Good times. We will have to build another one. I've already got blue prints in my head.

I'm never really in the mood to shop. I just don't know what to get. I wear the same things a lot, and besides your vendetta with my Bradford Woods t-shirt, I don't have a problem with it. I never really think about clothes, or anything aesthetic, really. I guess I probably should.

Moulin Rouge was actually a good movie, and I did like it, really. Just because I don't like love or whatever that's about doesn't mean it wasn't a good movie. I liked it, so there.

Sense of who you are? How can you lose that? Really, it's the only thing anyone really has, is it not? And even though I may have no idea who I am, it's really undefinable, well, it's going to always be that way. I asked Memaw one time if age helped with anything, and she looked at me kind of odd but said "No, not really," and then we discussed where we were going to go eat that night, but that is not my point. Sure, when you are older, different things begin to matter and you are with different people and certain pressures aren't there and certain ones are, but really, I think we'll be asking just as many questions as we are now, just in a different way or a smarter way or whatever. Sure, a lot of things come with time, and I'm not saying at all eveyrone is always in the same rut, no, not at all. I'm just thinking that you never have a sense of who you are, you only have you.

Defending someone - I never really know what to do. When it comes to Emily, I can't help myself. I'm scared of what I would try to do if I ever saw anyone hurting her. She's my little sister and I just I've been there since day one, her birth is one of my first memories, really. And I remember Grumps (Treva's (Granny) husband) getting this yellow t-shirt that said "I'm the BIG sister," and it's kind of funny all that comes with that. But it's like, if I saw someone getting hurt, of course I would step in and say something, but then again, I'm just doing it for that person, because I hate seeing people get hurt. I never take in consideration if what is going on could be justifiable by either side, and someone is probably always going to say their side is what is right, but I can never understand that. But, like you said Auds, contradictions have to be made. They are always being made. To me, that's another point how I don't see how anything can be all the way right, or how anyone could know what is all the way right, just because there are always, always, always contradictions.

I don't have commitment issues, I just have, well, I don't know. I hate that people are always leaving and I guess it scares me a whole lot and I don't like that so I just don't like to be there when people leave, but, regardless of what I'd like, I am always around because I always believe something can change. You can't choose what you base your idea on love upon. I don't take that term lightly at all. The people that have left, it's like, you know, okay. It's like I meet someone, and the more I talk to them and get to know them (getting to know someone is such a personal process, really, manuals would be amazing, but that's half the fun, I suppose) and I make room. I shove my heart and push down my lungs and the whole time I'm telling myself "It's alright, you can breathe," and that extra space, that's for them, and you know it gets more and more comfortable and then all of a sudden it's all filled up, all that space you made, and really it's a good thing. And it's like that for awhile, and really, it's a nice thing. It's what keeps you coming back. Then, you feel a hole. And this hole starts getting bigger, coincidentally as your relationships with whoever these people are starting changing. And new people make more holes to fill, and old people fill there hole again, and all of them sometimes leave their holes clean, and what do you do with that. And a lot of times, when those holes are empty, it's a lot harder to breath and everything seems a lot harder. Me, I just wait for someone else to fill it up, I guess. And these relationships, I'm talking about everybody, friends, family, whatever else there is. I suppose that's all, maybe. It's all relationships.

If someone leaves, you know, you can leave with good feelings, I never meant it's always a harsh ordeal or whatever, I just think it's one of the worst things ever. Someone can still be great and have left. Two different things, I think.

Well, that is that.

I think I am going to go curl up in my bed and finish ol' Frederick. I'm about halfway through. It's really good. Ah, I love people's lives and all the different stories. It's just all so complex and intricate and connected but contrasting and just really, amazing.

You have a lot to reply to from the other post too! You don't have to if you don't want, though, of course. I understand. I tried not to make this one too long.

Off I go, and I hope you had fun at your aunt's house.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

You should be so proud of me. I bonded with family, I think. I'm not sure. My drunk uncle hugged me four times (FOUR!) and complimented my new coat endlessly. Is this bonding? Hmmm...

So tired. So, so tired.

I like acoustic much more as well. Soft music is almost always better than crazy loud music, which usually disrupts any peaceful mood I'm in. Ag, screaming music. I hear that enough when I scare Rachel. And you will eventually love Broadway's Greatest Love Songs, too.

When you finish your after-Christmas shopping, I recommend you drive your newly wealthy self over here, as I believe we will be attending...get ready...Christmas at the Zoo! And then a fort, of course. You can't forget the fort. I really have started liking shopping much less. I have to be in a specific mood to shop, and I'm not often in this mood, and whatever I pick out will be criticized by my mother anyway, so I have given up all hope.

If you never stand up for yourself, you will lose whatever sense of who you are, as little as that may be. And what about standing up for someone else? There has to be some sort of contradiction to the way people think or they will have no reason for thinking this. And wasn't it you who said that Emily should come to Herron so that, at least for a year, you could deal with anyone that messed with her? If someone were to say something negative about someone I care for, you can bet I'm not going to stand by and watch them get hurt. That just isn't what you do, really. Contradictions have to be made. Some people have got to be wrong so that we can realize what, exactly, is right. As I said, I am tired, so if I make no sense, it is completely understood.

By golly, Abby, you have commitment issues. You aren't supposed to have the fear of people constantly exiting your life. I truly believe that you have come across some of the wrong people to base your idea of love, something that I'm thinking should last a while, upon. They could be great people. They could be the nicest, most giving and wonderful people in the entire world. But if they aren't around for the long run, you could screw up your entire outlook, and that is horrible (which is a word that I have just now realized I use quite frequently).

I have just been kicked off the computer. As much as I would like to save this as a secret, I know that I should officially post it so that you will see it.

Good-night, and a very, very, very Merry Christmas. What a good day, truly.

"She says I'm boring her camera,

it takes more to delight the cadaver." I love this song, "We Were Born The Mutants Again With Leafling" by Of Montreal. I know exactly how that is, where no song really fits. This song fits though. I was clicking random songs to play last night on my iTunes and this one played and I am in love. It's very, I don't know. Mood-fitting. I hate getting frustrated with music. Or wishing it was a little softer. I'm always a fan of acoustic versions of songs. That usually is what makes me like the song, really. Oh, man, I could never be as hardcore as some kids are, aha. "Broadway's Greatest Love Songs"? Oh, you and your showtunes, Auds. Something I could quite possibly never understand.

Today I woke up to my mom and sister in my room asking if I wanted to go shopping, and so I got up and dressed and we went and picked up my Memaw, and we all went to Pizza Hut and there was a lot of family drama within that ten minute drive and to put it simply my mom, step-dad, and sister are angry with me. Well, frustrated, I guess. Too much to handle. We walked around the mall but no one was talking and it was really awkward so we went home, then I took the car to go get some paint and a blank canvas and I've got an idea for a painting I'm going to start tonight. I'm in a really weird mood, so sorry if it affects the blog entry.

Last night I didn't get to clean or anything. Right when I got off the computer, John called, so he, Gude, and I all went out and they brought their skateboards and I took pictures and then we went to Paradise Bakery around 11 and got a lot of free cookies (they throw them out at the end of the day, AKA we scored.) Then we went to Gude's house but I just wanted to go to bed so I went home and I went to sleep, except I woke up so tired, it didn't really feel like sleep. Does that happen to you?

Shopping adventure that doesn't include much shopping? Aha, sounds nice. I have been buying presents every day this week, I would say. Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my grandma, and then the day after Christmas I am supposed to be going shopping too. Too much to handle. I've had money, so that's a nice change. I don't save at all, though, so I guess that kind of ruins it. Oh, well.

I wish I knew the truth, really. My own mind leads me on, it's so frustrating. Everytime someone argues with me I can always see how they can be right. I think that's why I am so lost about everything. I hate arguing, and I don't. That's part of the reason my mom is frustrated with me, really. I don't think I've ever stood up for myself, but like, I don't get why I would. If they think something about me, or they do something against me, something in them told them or let them do that. Why would I say it's wrong? Sure, if someone gets hurt, it shouldn't be right, but it's just, I don't know, I can understand something either way, I guess. Like, I don't agree with people getting hurt, but I think people have to, too. I hate contradicting myself so much, but I can't be either way. So I suppose I don't really mind the contradictions, I mind not being able to help it.

I hate loving something because when you love somehting you start to get attached, and I tend to get attached to everything. I have one conversation with someone and I'll never forget them, and all these someone's are so indecisive, always so in and out, and it really puts a toll on you. They leave, they come back, they mess up, apologize, and do it again, and no, I'm not saying it's wrong, I know, it's life, I'd just like to meet someone that will stay, just for a little longer than everyone else has. You've said so yourself, you've had the same friends for how long? You know what? Maybe it's me, I'm too reclusive, I'm the drifter. But then again, I've been told so often how hard I try for people, because I never want them to go. Anyways, this is why I hate love, because you can't help it, and it hurts, a whole lot.

I believe those girlfriends did love their boyfriends, loved them very much, in fact. Because those boyfriends, they knew exactly when to let their good show, and you have to feel a little sorry for them, because that's when you are really sick, when you gain control over those types of things, I think. And they always apologize, and I know how hard it is to reject an apology or say no, especially when you love whoever is saying it, and when people promise to be better, well, I always believe them, and I know I'm not the only believer out there. And sometimes, they do get better. And sometimes, they don't. And that's just sad, and I hope they get away from that kind of cycle, because to me, that seems worse then any kick or slap or what may have you. You can't tell love to stop. I don't understand why people like love at all, really. Sure, it can be a happy thing, but it just brings so much with it.

Sleep stresses me out. This is what happens. I'll be so very tired and I will lay in bed and try to get warm but something about the thought of sleep makes my body get so cold, and I start shivering, and so I stay in and out of a really light sleep that isn't really anything, and this whole time, I'm just thinking about everything, and I mean everything everything, and I can't stop it. My mind tends to go a lot faster, but I can understand it, and that kind of makes it all the worse. Sometimes, if I am sleeping with someone, I just cuddle up to them and usually it calms me down and I can fall asleep, but if I'm alone, I can usually forget about sleep and I just lay there and think. Sometimes I try to write in bed but that usually makes me more stressed out, though sometimes it does help. There's something about people that calm me down and work me all up at the same time, and it's so weird.

I only get tired driving when it's in the afternoon. If it's pitch black or morning, I'm just fine. I guess afternoons are just like the balance of the day, since they are the middle and all, and something about that makes me yawn.

Ahaha, your dad shouting "CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!" You have to appreciate the enthusiasm, although that would probably kill me.

Not that acceptance is the worst thing in every situation, but just the getting used to it. "You should never say; What do we do, that is the other guy." (Possibly one of my favorite quotes from the IC movies. Maybe being so childish is a good thing, but I've realized sometimes I feel really, really old. What do you do though, Auds, when someone tells you to be something that you can't, but you really wish you could, could figure it out and be better for them, but other people say it's okay, and you just wish it was okay to stay how you were, but you aren't really that sure that it is, because suggestions and criticism tend to go hand-in-hand and they are both so bothersome and confusing. You know? I always feel like people get annoyed with me because I'm so, I don't know. Needy? And I realize it, but I can never keep my mouth shut. Well, I do a lot actually. So I don't know. AGH! I can't grow up, Auds, that's my whole predicament.

It am going to start writing down the dates that you call me and the dates I call you and see what the ratio is, aha. It'd definitley be interesting. It's not even nine o'clock, what is this?

How far away is Brownsburg then? Seventy miles? Weird! I just looked it up and you are actually only about forty miles away. Shows how good I am at estimating. I am really bad at that in all aspects.

Why live is nothing is interesting? Everyone will always find a reason to live, no matter what happens. If not for themeselves, so other people can't have it. It tends to work that way.

The Ticketmaster hadn't realized the hours that had passed, them still in the same spot, the Ticketmaster still holding her gaze steady, trying to find something in her brain that would tell her what to do. She hadn't slept for so long. No one knew how to get her to calm down enough like the Ragpicker did, or knew what to say or do, no, not like the Ragpicker. Why could one person make you feel like throwing it all away, how could she make it all feel worth it? It was scary and frustrating but familiar and definitley welcomed, oddly enough. Just one thing was driving her crazy. "Why'd you leave?"

supercilious(adjective): coolly and disdainfully proud

I kind of have this mode that comes around, daily, and it doesn't really stop untill, well, I don't really know. It's like it has a trigger and a shiled and I don't really know either, it just happens, and I settle into it untill something makes it go away, because I can't do it myself. It's weird. I wonder if emotions really are that different. Like people feel happiness differently. I know different things make different people happy, but is the happiness different? I don't think so, actually.

All I've got to say about Christmas is I'm ready to curl up with my grandma and get my gas card, aha.

WAIT!! DO I GET TO SEE MY NEW BABY COUSIN?!? I don't want to get hopeful, though. I really am though, now that I thought about it. Oh, I hope so.

The twenty-sixth, Auds. Either I'm going over there or you are coming over here and we will make that fort. Bring it.

I hate not being able to write in books. I have such a horrible memory when it comes to text. I can remember anything about somebody, but when it comes to facts or quotes or whatever, I am so forgetful. I am very slow when it comes to that type of thing.

I'm so glad you get to brush your teeth, aha. My hair is curled at the ends and I don't know why. I hope the talk with your mom is not filled with anger. Will you write me secret drafts? I should clean my room. I am going to Steak and Ale for dinner tomorrow night, (Christmas Eve tradition) and I am so excited. Well, Auds, maybe you will call back? You should. I am in a conversationable mood. I thought of a really good question to ask people earlier today but I totally forgot what it was. Maybe I will think of it?

Do-do-do-do-do-do Do Do Do, Do-do-do-do-do

I absolutely hate it when you put on headphones and are so ready to listen to music, but no song sounds right. Like, nothing fits your mood, and this gets annoying, because music is always supposed to suit the listener. There is always supposed to be at least one song, and I could not find one, so I kept going on shuffle for about twenty songs before becoming so frustrated that I shut my iPod off and sat in silence for a little bit. I tried again and found a song from "Broadway's Greatest Love Songs" that I liked.

Today, I went shopping with my mom and we met up with Alison. Then, when I FINALLY arrived home, Rachel and I left to go to Crawfordsville to meet up with her friend Anna. On the way home, we tried to listen to the "Women on Country Music" casette (she doesn't have a CD player) that we always listen to, but we couldn't get it to work, so we drove almost the entire way arguing over which side of the tape out favorite song was on. By the time we arrived home, it was dark, and we then left AGAIN with my dad, Katie, and Eileen for out annual day-before-Christmas Eve (though this year it was two days before) shopping adventure that doesn't include much shopping. It was nice, but I am very exhausted.

I'm never one hundred percent sure of any of my thoughts or opinions or facts that I thought I knew but won't share because I am afraid that I would be sharing the wrong knowledge with people and confusing them. It truly is horrible. I wish I knew that I was right sometimes.

Your obsession with life is insane, truly. It is quite fascinating, your pattern of analysis. Why would you hate loving something? If you love it, there has to be something in it that makes you happy, really. I don't believe those girls that put up with boyfriends that beat them because "they loved them". They can believe that they loved them, but they couldn't REALLY love them, I don't think.

Oh, lists. I just made a few, actually.

Sleep is one safe escape from the chaos of life for most people. For you, does it enhance your ordinary thoughts? That would be so weird. In third grade, I had a lot of trouble sleeping because I would lie in bed and have time to really think, unlike in regular life when you are busy doing other things. This led to my worrying about things and these stupid thoughts would keep me awake for hours until I talked to my art teacher and she told me she had the same problem and that I should write down all my worries as I was falling asleep.

Impossible.

We drove forever looking at Christmas lights, but it was really late and I kept drifting off to sleep. Plus, my dad has this horrible game of shouting "CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!" really loud each time we pass a house with lights up. I don't think you can imagine the horror until you have been by ten houses in a row decorated, at which he spares not one of the announcement.

If everyone acted more childish, the world would be a better place. When kids hear of the problems with the world, they are truly horrified and can't understand why things are going on they way they are. Adults don't know why either, but they accept it. Acceptance has to be possibly one of the worst things in the world, because it often means giving up. I am listening to some Spanish cello song and can't really think seriously; I just started laughing. This song is really long. Anyway, you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to stop asking questions because that leads to answers, which we all need every once in a while, and boundaries shouldn't even exist. My mom used to yell at me and tell me to grow up, but I think she realized that I was never going to, so she surrendered to my childishness. Don't grow up, Abby. It would make me so sad.

One hundred miles away? Do you happen to be in Chicago right now? Because otherwise, I am pretty sure it isn't quite one hundred. Bad estimation. And my poor grandmother. She's probably shocked at how she received me as a relative. My mother, ah. Craziness.

I don't think I can think about continuing the story at this moment. The Spanish song is still playing and making me laugh.

If we had a balance, we would all be the same, which is not interesting. Why live for anything if it isn't interesting? Though if we all cared, as we should, we would all be the same as well, which I guess I wouldn't mind as much then. I actually have no idea what I'm talking about right now.

As these troubled-but-slightly-hopeful thoughts filled the mind of the Ticketmaster, the Ragpicker found herself confused as well. If they let their love lead them, what were they to do in the future? What would bring the end, if not death? How would they live, with one of them thriving in the shadows of the law? What if the powerful love filled her like air so that she could breathe in nothing else, terrifying her as had happened those years ago? Eyes downcast, she was only connected to the Ticketmaster by clasped hands and the history that drew them together one again, as both had known it would, despite the attempts at trying to move forward.

filbert: the hazel or its nut

Every once in a while, this really weird feeling comes over me, and I have never been able to describe it. I don't think it is a positive one, however, but I am always able to recognize it. Do you have anything like this, like, is it something everyone has? Wouldn't it be so strange if we each had our own secret emotion that no one else knew about?

Happy Chrismtas Eve Eve! It weirds me out, slightly. It has all gone by so quickly. No need to sit outside waiting. My holiday won't be bad, hopefully, just stressful, as everyone is angry. Well, not everyone, but quite a few.

Oh, no, you cannot make a fort without me. Sometime this break.

I have just now gotten into Everything is Illuminated, and I hope to finish it by the end of Christmas Day, but, anyway, I became so angry because I wanted to underline everything, but it is from the library, so I cannot. That is quite frustrating.

My dad is almost home with my toothbrush! I can't wait to brush my teeth, because my breath has tasted strange for a very, very long time.

You goose step?

Ah, today. What did I do? Nothing really. I woke up at Ives' house and we walked Lunch (her dog) and had cheesy bread, then I went home, took a shower, and I went to the library, got some books, and then I just drove aimlessly for about an hour and didn't really think and now I'm home and I'm going to study and do lists. Also, clean my room thoroughly. (That word is so weird to spell.)

I hate when people say that doubt means it's not what you think it is. Really, I'm always going to doubt everything. I've never had one hundred percent faith in anything, because that's just me, that's my confidence. I don't think I ever will have that kind of faith just because I tend to overthink everything. I don't know if I can change that.

I don't think you have to be good at your passion. You just have to love it. That in itself is as powerful as it gets. Really, that should be the rule for everything.

I hate opening myself up for dissappointment. What is it that makes everything so personal? Am I selfish because of that? It's like no matter what I can't just keep it to me, I can't just get over it. Instead, I lose sleep and go crazy. Over things that don't even include me! I don't understand why I feel everything, I just don't get it. I try not too. It's so much easier to detach yourself, why would I want the other way around but then that just makes me feel worse. Oh, life.

I'm not having a breakdown, Auds. No worries. I meant crashing just like, I don't know. That's exactly it. Crashing in the sense that I'm not sure about anything really anymore so I've felt very, well, just weird. The way I would feel during a crash. I wouldn't know what to do. Besides brake and turn right, but how to put that in actual life terms? You can't. So difficult. I do love it though.

"Make sure there is none of the former and lots of the other." Aha, Auds! I found a blog about lists! http://www.todolistblog.blogspot.com/

I am horrible at sleeping. I think I have a disorder where my brain doesn't turn off like it's suppost to. My brain just kind of shows slides and has pop ups, things I can usually block during the day. Damn sleep! Who really needs it? Actually, it is pretty nice when you sleep well. I do sometimes. It's like a 50/50 thing. The human brain is such a crazy thing. Really, any brain, actually.

Ahah, I am not covered in snot and paint anymore. I'm actually pretty clean, but I do have paint on my paints. I am going to find one item of clothing that does not have paint on it.

"I feel inexpierienced." Ahahaha, that still makes me laugh. I got a book about the IC deal. Well, it's not about IC but refugee children everywhere. It's One Day The Soldiers Came.

Awe, no more non-loving Christmas decorations. When I was driving I did a lot of Christmas light watching. It's so nice. I love Christmas lights.

It's not that I'm forgiving, or anything. I just, well, what's it called when you just want to understand? That's how I feel about people. I just want to understand, and I happen to be fascinated and involved and trying to make a change all at the same time. I think people are my passion.

But you see, I am lazy. I'm never doing as much as I can, and I complain when I'm cold or hungry. I'm ridiculous in so many ways. Atleast I recognize it, I suppose. I just feel like a little kid sometimes. Like I know I ask too many questions and I don't know my boundaries and I feel like, well, I just don't know how to grow up or change myself, or even if I want to. Have you ever felt like you just should? That's how it is.

Ahahahaa! Auds, why do you make me laugh so hard when you are about one hundred or so miles away. Your poor grandmother. I'm definitley lucky in that I get my sarcasm from my grandma and mom, so they've never really expected otherwise. I'm going to have to ask you to tell me this story in person just so you can imitate your grandma's facial expression for me. I love how your mom just was like "Are you going home with us, Abby?" Aaha, it made me feel loved.

I don't really know if you are suppost to end a sentence with an adverb or not, really. I was asking. I didn't mean to sound so insane about it.

The wedding was in a month. It could be canceled... Garfunkle would be heartbroken. Garfunkle could find someone else... The Ragpicker could easily just up and leave one morning, just like she did last time. The Ragpicker could maybe easily stay this time, too. How her hands could bring so many thoughts and contradictions. The Ticketmaster tried to look at the Ragpicker, but her eyes were downcast and was obviously thinking too. The Ticketmaster was curious, she needed to know, but she was never good at reading people, let alone confronting them. What was the Ragpicker thinking? How can everything come back after so long?

I hope our generation gets it, that we need to make changes, and big ones. It's almost like our generation has a huge gap, that we are either one extreme or the other. Either you don't care, or you care too much. Supposedly it's healthy to find a balance, but what do balances do? You don't feel anything with balance. I'd rather feel crushed or absolutely weightless than the same. I mean, it'd be a nice break sometimes, but it's life. Life doesn't give breaks. But I kind of like that about it, as much as I hate it sometimes.

Isn't it so weird that we always think we are worse than the person next to us? Is that selfish? But you put people above yourself... I don't know. At the most, I'd put everyone at equal, but never anyone above. Maybe that's why I am so weird and indecisive about Jesus, or idolization of anyone (considered God-like or not) at all.

IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! I am kind of ready for it to be over, though, as excited as I am about it. It's been very stressful. It's nice though. I'm excited to get presents and be able to afford things for a little bit, aha. I'm sorry your holiday will be awkward, Auds. You should just open your presents and jump outside (I'll be waiting) and then we will go to my house and I'll share my grandma, aha. I really do love life, as depressing as I sound sometimes. I think I'm going to go drive around and take pictures for a little bit before I get down to buisness.

We still have to make a fort and I still have to make you soup! I was thinking about making a fort for myself tonight but then I thought of this so I will refrain and wait for you.

I feel like I will productive in a very minimalist way tonight, and for right now I'm okay with that.

I also got this book at the library called Suggestion Box where these two guys went around and had people write down suggestions regarding anything. I loved it.

Definitely not a silent night, nor a holy one

It is Christmas Break. AND you are already studying. Ah, good ol' Abigail Braughton. Always over-achievin'.

I don't know if the cello is my passion, and the fact that I don't know makes me think that it probably isn't. I love it dearly, but I don't know if something I am not good at can be my passion. If so, I am only opening myself for disappointment, which I already do too often.

What do you mean, crashing? Don't you go having an emotional breakdown on me, Abby. I don't know what I would do. I was already afraid you were having one last night when you were talking in your sleep, and I was about to flip out. Goodness, ahh, I don't want you to be upset over anything, which is pointless in saying, since you aren't going to be like, "Auds doesn't want me sad, I better cheer up immediately." Didn't we just talk about this? Hmm...

Snot and paint. It is sad how easy this is to imagine. With the snot that is usually on my face and the paint that is always on you, I can see it clearly.

I got home and watched a bunch of IC videos so that I will no longer feel, err, "inexperienced".

The humping reindeer have been parted. I felt sad, really, driving by the non-loving Christmas decorations.

Woah. All right, everyone will judge you. Always. No matter what. Because that is how people are. Which is why, for me, it is impossible to love them. You are too forgiving.

I don't think you are too lazy to "rouse to action" when something moves you. Invisible Children, anyone?

So after spending a lovely time with you are your grandmother, I found that your sarcasm had rubbed off on me for a time period afterwords. My grandmother read my newspaper article and turned to me and said, "You wrote this?" And I said, without hesitation, "Nope. I told one of my friends to do it and put my name on the article." She gave me this confused expression until my mom turned around and told me not to be a smart-ass.

Whoop, sorry English freak. I will never end a sentence with an adverb ever again. I read that and was actually quite terrified.

She gazed up at the Ragpicker's serious, though dirty, face and felt a sadness inside her that could only be caused by those for which feelings were true and deep. The Ragpicker in return tried to smile, but the shaky and lopsided grin that crossed was in no way reassuring to the terrifyed Ticketmaster. She dropped whatever stolen item she had been holding and reached out a single, small hand that would perfectly clasp that of the Ticketmaster, and they both knew of this from previous experience. The Ticketmaster released all inhibitions, dropping all thoughts of the slow and disappointing life she had led for the past few years, and grabbed the offered hand with a sturdier grin. The world closed in around the pair, whose affections had not changed as time swept by.

To be continued...

Our generation has a lot to do, but I like to believe that we have the determination and energy, as well as the large population, to make it happen. I think it is easier to point out flaws in yourself, but I don't understand why. Why is everyone so perfect in comparison to the loser that each of us is inside?

Night. Sleep well, which I have found be now is impossible for you. IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! (too bad this will be the most awkward holiday ever...)

Somehow,

some way.

Break, in t-minus two days.

Audrey, I know you didn't let him down. He was probably just surprised you didn't practice, really. Audrey, this doesn't mean anything. That you're slipping, no, that you are losing something or becoming less of a person, no. Audrey, I've never met anyone so consistent and you know, you shouldn't feel guilty about this. I know I'm not helping at all, but really, Audrey. I get the same way though. So I don't understand why I am saying anything, but I really mean it.

Is the cello your passion? That sounds so corny, but I mean it.

She's happy, really she is. It's just she's getting older and she's thinking more and is knowing more and her eyes are being opened, and for her, it's just so cruel. I just want to take care of her. I want her to be happy, really.

Crashing is the worst. I am so ready for break. It's kind of like a padding for this stage of my crash, really. Actually, I feel more like a sinking ship. Gar.

Forts, soup, and head rubs. What else could you ever ask for?!? I am excited, really. I just 'finished' a horrible painting. That's the one thing I don't like about art classes. Assigned projects and deadlines. I know it's all for the better, though. I need to get used to it. Aren't we told not to do that, though?

I shall change our picture tonight. DUNDUNDUN There really are so many possibilities for this thing.

Yes, I am being very clean. Although I am covered in paint and snot (running out of tissues is so ugly) at the moment. It look very, er, viscious.

I have many emotional explosions. I've only had maybe one or two at school though, thank God. I usually can keep it at bay untill I get home. Sometimes, well, I don't even know.

No one would ever judge me? Auds, no! That is the biggest lie. That's what I'm terrified of. That's what puts me where I get sometimes. I'm not saying it's not my fault, or it is, but I don't know, I'm confusing myself. Auds, I am judged just as everyone else. Everything anyone says is analyzed by someone. It's all being picked at. We are all being picked apart, and some people will not be finished untill you are picked clean, and they leave you with absolutely nothing, not even an explanation. Just a smirk and a signal they've gone on and I'm ranting. End.

I don't like waiting either. I know you are suppost to rouse to action if something moves you to do so, but I don't. Failure.

"Your busy head provides insight to the mind of geniuses, truly." I do not understand this, and isn't there a rule for ending sentences with adverbs? Are you not suppost to put them before what it is describing? I'm just saying, and cracking myself up that I was so serious for four seconds.

After hearing her name, the Ticketmaster could barely stand it. She stood, head levying to the side, her eyes fixed on her moccasins. Her hands were shaking, and trying to casually put them around her neck. An obvious cover-up for the nerves taking over. This was not suppost to happen, why was this happening? With all this in her head, she did not notice at first when the Ragpicker spoke again. "Abigail, Abigail. You and I both know closure will never happen. It will never be over." At that, the Ticketmaster sighed. Not this, not now, not ever again. But once again, her heart spoke before her head and she replied "Yes, I know."

Always comparing. Why is it so difficult to find good in oneself? Or the opposite for other people? Why is everything becoming so difficult? Maybe it's just me? I don't think so, though. Well, sometimes I do. We were talking in English, Elizabeth, Drew and I, and to be honest, with everything that is going on, our generation has so much to do, it's just, insane. Arg. I just don't know what to do.

At all.

Maybe go to bed? Hm.

Oh by gosh by golly

When I let Mr. Tong down, I let the whole word down, is how I see it. If I disappoint him in my playing, I feel like a completely horrible person. He doesn't expect me to be good or anything, but he can usually count on me to practice a great deal and try my hardest. He claims me to be his only student who actually loves the cello. And now, today, I have truly let him down. Oh, goodness. The sadness is everlasting, I am pretty sure.

Oh, Abby, your sister will be fine. She was happy when I spoke with her?

I love moments when you have everything in the world figured out and you know that absolutely nothing can bring you down. I always want to sing and never, ever stop smiling. But, nope. I always come crashing back down.

Oh, yes, forts and soup. I am PUMPED. There is no way they can say no now that they have seen how upset I get when being deprived the lovliness of the Braughton household.

Ah, I expected to get on today and see a horrific new picture. Changing it weekly would be slightly confusing...maybe bi-weekly? As you said, the possibilities...

Oh, my clean Abby. My heart shines with pride.

At least you have a journal, which should delay the emotional explosion that is sure to come if you keep everything locked inside. No one would ever, ever judge you, Abby, I am pretty sure that that would be impossible. And waiting does not always work. It can become pretty annoying.

Your busy head provides insight to the mind of geniuses, truly. And I am pretty sure I spelled "geniuses" wrong, which is pretty funny, when you think about it. If it were clear, you wouldn't get anything accomplished, I believe.

As she turned the busy street corner back in the original direction, the Ragpicker gazed up and smiled.
"Ah," she said slowly, "I knew you would return."
"I knew you knew I would return. There was too much left unspoken between us. You know that I need closure," the Ricketmaster said, tears welling up in her eyes. The Ticketmaster jerked her dirty head; the sight of anyone crying made her insides cringe from her own inability to produce tender emotion. She stood like that, her head turned off to the side, until the Ticketmaster's name was unintentionally produced from her lips, at which both women jumped.

I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to others. It truly is horrible. Who wants to always feel inferior to different people? You need to let yourself get over this, really. It may now push you to do better, but it could eventually lead in the opposite direction.

Oh, goodness, school. I don't know what I am doing right now. How about going straight to bed?

Good-bye.

Cold feet.

In all meanings, cold cold feet. Rqe4rgheruigr!

I don't think of water when I think of Capri Sun either. But oddly enough, I do think of water when I think of hot chocolate?

I love my little sister. I wish she'd get out of this mood. I wish she'd talk to me atleast. If I knew what was bugging her so much, well, surely I'd be bound to do something about it, even if it was about me. Then again, well, just like you said, Auds, my life is a very confusing one.

"Everything is connected and beautiful and now I know just where I stand." I love this song. You know those moments in life for like ten minutes when you think you have everything figured out? That line describes it perfectly. I need a moment like that soon. It's been a long, long while.

Okay, so, Thursday (which I take you are spending the night, well, you don't really have a choice) we are making a fort and making soup. I've got the sniffles times 934039. I'm so excited for this party at Alchemy. Kind of nervous, but you know.

Your two whole posts made my heart smile, Auds. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been with you though, aha. We need to joint post soon. It hasn't been done, why, since November second itself! We need to get on this. And I'm thinking I should make a new layout soon? It's looking rather the same? Maybe do a header of the week, actually? Oh, the possibilities.

You'd be proud. Right when I came home I ate Boston Market (YES!) and took a shower, because I really felt the need to. Maybe this could be a catalyst to improving my hygiene habits? Who knows.

I am so, so, so excited for break. Excited, ready, because it's needed. Although I will be studying and catching up and all, it's nice to be able to catch up without going forward at the same time. I love when progress gives a break, because honestly progress is much too fast. I never double used kleenex untill I met you.

I'm a good listener, and I love that people know they can come to me and that I will help them as much as I can. But when it comes to whatever I'm thinking or going through, I'm not sure there is anybody that actually knows the extent to it. It's not that I'm depriving people intentionally. I know I'm scared of putting myself out there, I'll admit it. I just happen to know how different everyone's problems can be, and I've seen the outcomes, and I don't know, I'm just a believer and that someday everything will change, so I have gotten very, very good at waiting it out. I know that's bad, because I'm just keeping it all in, but that's that. I'm not sure if I'd want to be otherwise.

Wrong reasons, well, sometimes it's hard to decipher what the reason is at all, let alone if it is right or wrong. Sometimes I wonder how I would be if I was never told a single thing. If somehow I learned everything on my own. No matter what I'm doing, there's always 384023 thoughts leading in 2039822 different directions. Oh, Auds. I'm confusing myself. I would like a clear head. I would love, love, love a clear head.

The Ticketmaster continued down the crooked and ancient street in inner Rome. The weather was nice, and being there for two years now, she was used to the bicycled flying by and could easily dodge them, subconciously you could even say. But for the first time since the first month she was here, she was maybe a millimeter away from being hit by one of the cyclers. Seeing that Ragpicker just turned absolutely everything upside-down. She just stood there for a second and surprisingly her feet started moving without consent from her brain (or, especially, her heart) but she followed her feet. And as she knew they would, her feet went right back to the direction they came from, right back to the Ragpicker.

To be continued...

Good enough? No. If there was a totem pole of morality and clarity I would be very close to the bottom. Sure, it's bad to hold yourself to standards, but who doesn't in anyway? For some reason I've just got something in my head telling me over and over that I'm not good enough, to get better. In some ways, I'm thankful, I suppose. In others, not. It's very confusing when I don't do something right I feel ten times all the worse. And everyone's right and wrong seems to be so different.

Camping is going to be amazing. You better believe I am going to get very, very into it. Hardcore Grizzly Adams, Auds.

Audrey, I will talk to your parents, I will talk to McNeal, but I won't talk about it anymore tonight because well, I hate how I get when I do start talking about it because it makes me feel very foolish.

I don't get why deadlines are getting earlier and earlier. Now they are preparing fifth graders for the SAT. Life isn't a test. Credibility should NOT be in a name, not be in a place, or an award, or whatever. It's not about that. And people are realizing this. And no one is doing anything, and I'm trying, but what to do when you are told you are wrong? Maybe I am? I hate being indecisive. I have absolutely no conviction whatsoever. If someone tells me I'm wrong, I'll believe them, and it's all just a cycle of finding out otherwise. I know, I need to find myself, find out where I stand, no matter where that is, but that's too complicated for the time being.

Baby steps, I am a firm believer in those. I'm not so into strides anymore. No matter what the context, the outcome is aways more valuable if it took more time, I feel. I am so bad at persuasive essays.

I wrote down what the papers were about and all that. Good to go, Auds. You know, if I do get all my work in, and do really well on my finals, I may get all A's?

I love, love, love the dictionary (encyclopedia?)of mental diseases. I read this book where the character had it and so it had all these random sidenotes and paragraph after paragraph about these random of mental diseases and I loved it, so much. Everytime I go to Goodwill or Value World I am always on the lookout for that dictionary. Someday, I will find one. I love the mind.

Application, yeah. Well, I'm emailing about the IMA thing at the moment. I wish this process could be over already. Weird, I'm all about taking time, but just this, though. It seems to complicate everything else. I don't want to get a job and two weeks later quit for the IMA. That's just not right. Gar.

I almost fell out of this chair, aha. I need to stop tipping back.

Oh-wayyy-ohh. "Oceans" is such a good song. I love it. I've got to clean my room. I am so rested though. Thank you, aha.

Off to...
1. Do homework?
2. Make lunch?
3. Cut fingernails?
4. Clean room?
5. Write more lists?
6. Email?
7. Lord knows what?

No brakes, no glory.
Hm.

Double Blog (Or Blog To the Two!)

The weather is delightful, not frightful, whatever the song may say. I just want to dance, dance, dance all day long to various soundtracks and play my cello happily.

What song did you day was perfect for the first snow? I know this is the second, but I'm hoping it intensifies the greatness of winter. Oh, white Christmas...

It would nice for all ignorance to come to an end, but that is impossible. Baby steps to peace and love(this would make sense if you've seen What About Bob?...well, kind of, maybe).

No Sprint today! Ah-yes!

Poor Aleesha probably missed a very important call.

You have to write two papers. On what, I am unsure. E-mail her.

I read this book in sixth grade or something about this "disorder" where you see specific colors and shapes for numbers and sounds. So, like, when you think "four" you see a tellow triangle or something. That is crazy. I think I would love it for a little while. I remember being really angry when the girl in the book tried to cure it.

How's your application going?

Ignore deadlines as much as possible, then, though I am not sure this is possible. Everyone pushes deadlines on things that shouldn't have deadlines, like when people should get married, have children, decide on a career, or decipher the thoughts that crazily move through the human mind.

Ah! I'm snapping along to a great song. I love snappable songs.

I gradually spend more and more time in my school uniform. It used to be that I changed out of it immediately after school. Then, it decreased for the amount of time it took me to eat dinner. It went to dinner and a little homework. It has gotten to the point where I don't change until I take a shower and go to bed. It is quite sad, really.

I wish I loved people. I do sometimes, but other times, they drive me completely insane. Oh, well. Maybe I will learn to accept this insane species.

I think I am going to take a shower because I am very, very cold. I don't know why. I think it has to do with my waking up and not eating anything, if that is possible.

Music practice is off, as is the dance, so I am not entirely sure what is going on. Oh, well, living in the moment...

Coughing Up A Bladder

That is strange. I don't think water when I think Caprisun.

Yes, I am not participating in family movie night right now. But I did for about half an hour, and I must admit, I love Katie quite dearly. She shared her popcorn with me and I shared my M and M's, and then we marveled at the wonder that is salt and chocolate. I also have underestimated her intelligence. She thought it would be funny to tell my mom and dad that we were watching High School Musical so that they would have to act excited when they really aren't (she know they wouldn't want to sit through it), when really she had been planning to watch The Polar Express the entire time. I found this hilariously funny, truly.

I'm glad your mom approves of my CD. That makes me feel quite happy inside, despite the cold that took over what used to be my heart only a couple of hours ago.

FORTS! Yes! If I spend the night tomorrow, we are building a fort. Definitely. Yesh! And possibly making soup.

That is the nicest thing I have ever heard. She may not act like it, but I am positive that she appreciates it.

Oh, jeez, this is a long blog to respond to. I am not frustrated, but it may take me a while. As in, a whole two posts. But I promise I will double post to make up for it.

I think that as long as we can even it out, we should share each other's problems. But if you take all of everyone's problems and trust no one to take yours, the system fails miserably. No one should steal all the problems, because with the problems that are stealing experience and learning opportunities. So STOP!, Abby. You are depriving people of educations.

Happy is always what it is all about. Even when you are doing something you don't normally like, like shoveling snow or peeling potatos, you should be happy that you are doing it for someone or benefitting from it. You are shoveling the driveway so that your mom can go to work or so the sweet old lady across the street can see her seven-year-old grandchild play Mary in the Christmas musical, which should make you happy. And don't make me tell you how beneficial those peeled potatos will be in the future. So no matter what you are doing, it should in some way make you happy, otherwise you should not be doing it because that means you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

"Aye! I know you!" The wretched, smelling Ragpicker cried out from behind her shopping cart. "You...you are..." she began to say, pausing briefly between words to take drags off of the pot she stole from the hippie who had recently died. "I believe I recognize you from back in the day?"

The ticketmaster walked past the ragpicker quickly, trying to push the smudged face of her past into the back of her troubled mind. She knew that Ragpicker, but she would never, ever reveal the truth of their troubled, violent, and cryptic history. No one must know, especially with her wedding to Garfunkle so near! So she trudged along the road without another thought. Or so she told herself.

To be continued...

You are good enough, Abby, and you need to quit believing that you aren't. Goodness gracious, you are saving children in Africa and practiving for the SAT! I fully believe that you are a wonderful human being.

I am totally psyched. Believe it. I haven't been camping in about seven years.

Ah, I read the bit about the chaos of our school and became so saddened. Talk to them, Abby.

I become so jealous of people who have the answers to religion and what they want to do in life and how they want to do it. I hate that I have no idea. I hate that I am indecisive. Once again, deadlines. Why do I need to decide what I want to do with my life by the time I am 18? This seems so stupid, as most eighteen year olds haven't yet decided who they are, exactly. How are they supposed to decide who they want to be?

I have to go join in the dance and join in the song. Or just the movie. Whichever.

"Fruit Flavored Water Beverage"

What an odd way to describe a Capri Sun.

I love our password. It's been a month and nine days since we discovered our little diamond in the rough, Shari Elf. What a good person, really. You know what I still think is funny? Those sunglasses, aha. I started thinking about them today and once again had uncontrollable laughter. Ah, someday Auds, you will laugh right along.

You'd be proud of me. I took very good notes in APUSH today. I was surprised. I wouldn't let anyone sit in your seat, aha. (Just had a phantom vibration!) I'm sorry I didn't show up today to watch good movies. I was very productive at school though. Let's have a good movie night sometime soon. And I'll still make you soup, even if you are better. I think that would be nice. We also need to make a huge fort with blankets and such. I love making those, and sleeping in them. They are so fun.

My sister is in such a bad mood today, and I slipped an "I love you," note under her doorway but she just told me to go away, and I guess that's okay, I just hope she gets feeling better.

We all hold the world on our shoulders, really. Everything comes around, just in different ways, and I don't know anybody who isn't empathetic to absolutely no one. Sure, it's kind of sad that we've got just this whole other load of emotion we never really asked for, but you know, I lik it. If I can take a little bit off of everyone, that kind of means that they are giving me a little piece of them, and who are we but who we know and what we've been through, and just, I don't know, when you start feeling someone else's emotion, I just think that is one of the greatest thing in the world, despite what you are feeling.

Yes, definitions of waste do very, but really, I don't get how people consider enjoying yourself 'wasting time.' Maybe, when you are suppost to be doing something else (dang deadlines), but like, isn't being happy what it's all about? I'm so confused about that right now. I just don't know.

The Ragpicker And The Ticketmaster, Pt. II
It was about noon and the winter sun was nowhere to be found, but people were. It was Christmas season, and despite the fact that A Christmas Carol: The Musical was opening that night, there simply were no customers that day. The Ticketmaster gets sidetracked easily, and decided to take a stroll and maybe come back around three (the supposed rush, that never really was a rush). While passing an overturned cart, she casually looked to her side and there she saw a Ragpicker (although you may think the term ragpicker is terribly old-fashioned, I do not believe old-fashioned is terrible) and this Ragpicker looked familiar, but she could not quite put her finger on it.

To be continued, and maybe you will write the next paragraph.

Sometimes I feel like that, though. Simply, I am the good enough. You know, you see these people on the news and they are doing so much good in the world, and you read about them in books, or just hear really nice comments about someone's friend and you are just like "Wow, I wish I could do that," or "I wish I could be more like them," and to be honest I just do not feel like I've been good enough lately. So many complications.

My poor head. I've got one of those headaches in the temple, and it pulses for good measure, I suppose. I've got too much work to do for this to happen, but as I'm learning over and over, I have almost absolutely no control. I really don't like that.

Act like me, hm? No, I'm not courageous in the least bit. Although, I am good at keeping a level head. Occasionally. Maybe being almost insane is simply a part of the charm and charisma I obviously possess? Kidding, kidding. The last time I really screamed was summer. I love summer, I really, really, do. So many adventures. Spring Break, camping, Auds. Get psyched.

I will make you cool band-aids then. Oh, the possibilities. Isn't it weird how we call tissues kleenexes and bandages band-aids simply because of the association with the brand?

Your awkwardness and large pupils will never leave. You are who you were who you will be. Always and forever, Auds.

I love the Fiery Furnaces, really. You know who else I love? TV on the Radio, really. I think I'm having a sugar rush in the worst sense. I had Lucky Charms, grilled cheese, and a Capri Sun for dinner. Not the healthiest? Ah, I have to start getting ready for tennis. I am ready, though.

You know what's weird? Flying objects at night, that you really don't know what they are. Talking about something then totally forgetting what you were saying. Doing math equations in your head. And understanding Latin, for a little bit. (Which is what I did today.)

Without chaos, sure, things would be different, but it'd be relieving for a little bit. That's what I want, just a little relief. I love our school too. I love how you can start a "Down By The Banks" tournament whenever, how you can change in the middle of the bathroom and no one think anything of it, and how many different people there are to make friends with.

I really want one of those good movie days now. It'd be nice not to think of anything else. Please, Auds?

I hope you are feeling better, really. Being sick is a horrible thing and you have all people should not have to deal with it.

The school needs me? Oh, Auds, no.

That's exactly how I feel. It's going much, much, much too quickly and I'm enjoying it too much for it too. It's already almost the next year, it's gone by so fast! It's funny, how at the beginning of the year, you like where you are and you have no idea where you will be. For me atleast, things have changed so much, but in a way things are coming together, in ways I like or not, regardless.

I like cliches too, no matter what people say about them. They make sense, that's why they are there. They prove how everything is connected. I think once more people start realizing that, that we are all connected, I truly do believe we could have peace.

That's kind of sad. That we haven't figured out our passions yet. I get jealous of people that already do. But then again, maybe mine or yours is an acquired taste? I don't know. I think something you are passionate about will kind of have an instant click or feeling about it. Maybe I am totally wrong, maybe that's why I am missing out.

If only people would start understanding, period. I'm really growing weary of ignorance. Really, I jsut don't understand how people can be so mean or dislike this or think this is wrong when it's just so obviously not right to be so cruel. I just don't get it. And I wish I could, because maybe then I could stop being so danged sensitive and this is such a rant and it's going to stop here.

Someone just called my phone for Aleesha?

No, really, Auds, you are helping me get my grades up, and as much as I make fun of you, I am really thankful for it. I've never done so well in school, except for in elementary school, aha. It's nice, or, I don't know, different, in the best way possible. Really, Auds, thanks. So what is the deal with Health? Do you know what I have to do?

I totally believe that. Goodness is in control. Really, I've thought about that so often and it's awesome to know you have thought about it too. I wonder where it all comes from, our thoughts and such. How we can picture things in our head and words and ah, it's just so crazy. I think everyone, really, is good, and we naturally know what is good (somehow) but we have bad things in us. I hate using the word 'things' but I don't know where it all came from, but really, I believe how you are judged on how good you are is, yes, in control.

I might be a paige at the new library. I'm excited. I would love that job.

I always wonder if the things I write on my own, what they make other people feel. Though, it's like they are so personal and I'm not one to put myself out there, so I just keep them to myself, but who knows. Anyways, I really, it's just fascinating once again that you can feel what other people are feeling. I love it. I love people.

No, if I didn't have deadlines, I would do everything better, I believe. I naturally like to do things, and deadlines, they just stress me out. Especially with art. But that's the way it is. Auds, I'm not going to drop out of high school and I specifically said that, aha. Really, I like school. Oddly enough it's getting easier. Hm. I like knowing things, and learning, too. You know there will never be an end to the Ragpicker and the Ticketmaster, Auds. Don't lie to yourself, even if it's for temporary content, aha.

Ah, NEXT THURSDAY DON'T MAKE PLANS! Mel (the woman who I've been talking to on the phone from Invisible Children) is coming to town and having a party thing for everyone here and we get to see unseen footage and stuff, and ah, I'm psyched! I just called you to tell you about it but you are at your sister's recital, so just kidding?

Some guy was video taping you? Aha, oh, I bet that made a really good video to show the family. I always do that. I randomly take pictures of other people and just look at them. Golly, really, people are just so fascinating.

My fingers are randomly really cold and I want to know what percentage of time I spend in my school uniform.


You are always truly mean to me, Audrey. It's quite a fact, aha. "Baby, why ya' gotta be so mean?"

I love the human brain and I love human body and I like humanity, period. I just want to really know everybody. I wonder if people think that I am really nosey. I wonder if I really am. I'm just really interested. I just want to know, I guess. Hm.

Off to homework!

"Cause everything it must belong somewhere
Just like the gold around her finger or the silver in his hair
Yeah, everything it must belong somewhere
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here..."
I love this song, so, so much.

You Don't Hate Me

I still chuckle every time I type in our password. It is nice to still laugh at something even after you should be used to it. Like burping. Or cuss words. Or sometimes even Ben's "that's what she said!" jokes.

It is fascinating to think about the world that way. Sometimes when the sky is all dark and starry, I think about how everyone is everyone, kind of like what you said. The feeling that we all feel each other's pain is comforting, though depressing.

I think that video games are wasting your time, but some time has to be wasted. You are right. Enjoying yourself isn't wasting your time. My mom thinks that I sit around and listen to music all day wasting my time, but I'm always thinking about something, so I don't consider this a waste. Definitions of waste vary, I guess.

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely ragpicker that sold her stolen goods on the corner of Broadway and Mhmmmmnah Street. Everyday, a ticketmaster who might actually have been dirtier than the ragpicker (though she had a home, so there was no excuse) walked past the cummy old cart on her way to the theater, where she sold tickets at the window for all of the upcoming musicals.

To be continued, possibly...you can write the next paragraph

You put a large number of the ounces of heart you hold (which, let me tell you, is not a lot) into Invisible Children. Just because, at that moment, you did not feel like crying or trying to save the world, you aren't a horrible person.

My poor nose. I look like Rudolf.

So you are basically saying that I should act like you for a day? You know I'm only kidding. I've never heard you scream the "F" word at the top of your lungs. Good golly, I wish I could breathe! I would certainly love cool band-aids. YOU don't make things worse than they already are--I do. I'm the awkward one, and no matter what you say, I will forever be the same awkward me. There is no chaning it. Just like my large pupils, I think I would miss this part of me if it were to disappear.

You know what else is weird? Dancing lights on the computer that I have never noticed before. And when one of the three holes in a paper is ripped--just one. And this unknown Fiery Furnaces song you burnt me. I am pretty sure it is the theme song of my life, though I'm not exactly sure what they are saying.

I think that no chaos would mean no entertainment, though I tend to love stangely unorganized things. Our school, for example. Really. I love how the floor slants and how we never have things done on time and how kids sing in the hallways. Truly. Though organization for a quick second, just to catch up with myself, would be possibly nice. I think you should be sick tomorrow, too, and we can watch movies. Good movies. Not stressful ones. And there will be absolutely nothing else to think about. Nothing. Except for possibly brownies with nuts. What am I doing, trying to tell you to be sick? Nope. You have things to do. The school needs you. Though I really think life is moving much too quickly. Sometimes, I just want to scream at it to stop, which sounds cliche, but it is so true. I like how in the Kite Runner, he supports cliches. People wouldn't use them so often if they didn't accurately describe how they are feeling. It would be an honor to be a cliche because it means that others understand you. Who needs originality if no one understands it? Depth can be such a curse. Not to say that I am deep, but those who are are so rarely understood when they have magnificent points to get across.

I've never spent much time trying to do something or learn something. I think it would be nice, having something to be that proud of. But I can't just say, "hey, I'm going to pick something randomly that I am going to put all of my heart and soul into!" It has to be something I am truly passionate about. Nothing has exactly come along at this moment.

Phone rings. Scary.

I think that we are ourselves all the time, and that everything can be changed to us personally, but the view people have of us can't be so easily dropped. The outlook others have is the important part, though that isn't right. If only we could decide who we are at one moment and everyone else would understand it.

You have only done one of three health essays?! By goodness, Abby, get to work! We are going to raise this grade (you can tell me when you are sick of my obsession with your grade; as long as you do it nicely, I will not be offended).

Oh, blog buddies. Postsecret is saddening.

I would never say everything I think. It would make me feel like a horrible person. Do you think, possibly, that we are all the same part evil, but it is out ability to keep this evil inside that determines whether or not we are good? Like, people who say rude things could have the same scale of negative thoughts as a kind person has, but the kind person doesn't necessarily speak these horrible things or make them known, which makes them "better"? Maybe deep down, we are all horrible, but we manage to keep some ounce of good in the world by controlling ourselves.

The Kleenex are gone. I have just taken two pills and should be out within the next hour. That doesn't sound good.

It is impossible to accurately describe the way we are feeling at this exact moment. I envy writers who make it seem that you are grieving when the character is grieving or that you are overjoyed when something splendid happens.

Deadlines define us. There is no way around it. If I had no deadlines, I wouldn't do anything. If you decide to drop out of high school, I will kill you and that will be the end of the Ragpicker and the Ticketmaster.

I bet I am in five hundred million different pictures. One time last year, Rachel and I were singing a duet of "Baby, it's cold outside!" and we turned around and some guy was videotaping us. It was humorous.

Can I help it that I need an extra sleeve to put snot on?

I love spacing out. I love this separate universe we can escape to.

Good ol' Jan 24th. You were way off when you told Sarah's mom.

Right now I am talking to you and you are very mad at me because I made fun of you. I will never, even be truly mean to you. "YOu are the sunshine of my life...that's why I'll always stay around!"

Minds are crazy. Why do we think the things we think? Really. Madness.

Goodbye, Abby.
You are still mad and on the phone. Now you are playing your guitar.